Frankie The Dog and His Very Own Blog

I Am Writing This In The Attempt That No One Will Notice...

2006-10-27T09:43:00.000-05:00

Harumph…I really need to pee…I have my tail tucked between my legs since I can’t quite cross the back ones while I type hoping that nothing will spurt out. I really enjoyed my morning bowl of water but apparently it is not time to go out and water the grass with my delicious scent. And it is that god-danged additional human of mine that is not making it happen. I might just have to put my brilliance to work this early in the morning and figure out exactly where his foot will land when he decides to finally make it out of bed. And right in that very spot is where I will plant my little puddle ‘o pee for him to take a splash in. Oh my…what a racket that would make!

Although, he has been rather lazy lately and refuses to goto the gym until next week. Perhaps, if I invited myself up onto the bed and peed right on him…that would give him the little zing that he would need to motivate himself to get there. I know that either way I would find myself locked up in puppy prison for the afternoon until my human made it home from work. And that big black puppy dog that steals all my toys and who seems to think she gets a share of my treats will just sit on the other side of the bars and torment me with her freedom.

Oh, did I mention that there have been a few MAJOR changes in my lifestyle over the past several months while I have taken a hiatus from my writing career? I fear there are too many to count or to document. I will just keep it short and sweet (hey! Just like me!) and tell you that I spent a lot of unnecessary time at the vet, my human made me pack up all my toys and treats and move in with this other puppy dog and…the worst part of all…they have me on a diet for the rest of my life!

Oh yeah, and I have a new “cousin.” She is a terrier…she likes to chew on my ears…and she belongs to my human’s sister with the stinky feet. They are calling her Loki. I am working on a song about her that really captures the spirit of her teeth. She likes to chew on everything and she was trying to take over my job of peeing all over the carpet. Only one dog can complete that task at my house, and that will be me! The good thing about her is that she is still way too little to steal my treats…though I would not put that past her. Apparently, she is coming over to play for the whole entire day tomorrow…and, on that note, I had better go wake up my add-on human so he can take me out…because I have a lot of sleep to catch up before she gets here tomorrow!

Confessions of a CPA'er

2006-02-24T16:38:00.000-05:00

I write to you from the muddled depths of puppy prison. No, I'm not stuck back in the ever-so-savvy kennel but locked behind wooden slats in the depths of my very own humble abode! My human caught onto one of my secret addictions and has decided to do an uninvited intervention. I admit it...I bark it loud and strong...I am one of the millions who belong to Carpet Peeers Anonymous.

I really only am a full fledged member through the cruel winter months. I find no enjoyment in freezing my tootsies off in this February (that shall not be mistaken for March) weather. The wind whipping under my belly and around the recesses of my tail does not bring a delightful shiver to my satin coat. In fact, my coat is just plain thin and cold out there in the subarctic temperatures and the lack of hair on my belly just leaves me as the next best candidate for an ice puppsicle. Can you blame me for relocating to inside where it nice and warm...and quite cushy to the tushy as well?

A Valentine's Day Review

2006-02-17T16:01:00.000-05:00

I'm a little late...and lots of treats short...of my Valentine Day love declarations. But, as any puppy knows, a candy heart is better late then never tasted! I have determined the worst way a puppy as cute as myself could spend Valentine's day is not alone but at the vet's office. I mean, woe is the puppy who is subjected to cruel and unusual vaccinations on Valentine's day. I'm willing to bet those vet's aren't giving out a box of carob candy with each needle they inject us with! I bet they don't give away any cute little plush teddy bears that utter sweet sayings like, "You are the BARK on my tree" or "I MEOW you." If anything, those vet's probably pad their bills a little bit more claiming they need the extra dough to woo their human honeys on the unavoidable holiday!

My human didn't bring any heart-shaped bones home for me but she has been letting me indulge in Sweettart hearts all week long...just one or two here or there...but oh, they are like heaven on my tongue for an indulgence of an instant. They start off soo sweet and tantilizing and then suddenly become tangy as a tangerine! I think the purple ones are my favorite...or maybe the blue...or pink...or was it the white? I guess I am an equal opportunity sweettart heart connuissieur...

Almost Overlooked the Groundhog!

2006-02-16T12:50:00.000-05:00

I fear I am becoming a forgetful dog these days...overlooking important holidays that my breed has sentimental ties to. Yep, February began and I forgot all about the grand celebration of the Groundhog and his spiffy shadow. See, I think the groundhog is the Americanized version of the badger. My breed was originally raised to hunt badgers...follow them down into their burrows and scare the living bejezus out of them. I think that the dachshund breed got a little Americanized at the same time because though I am one slim jim, I fear that getting stuck underground is not anything that I even want to try!

But anyways, back to the glorification of the groundhog. My human was telling me that every year they have this huge celebratory party to wake up a poor groundhog and ask him if he has seen his shadow. Humans are just dumb...they are asking for blood to be drawn...rule #1 when it comes to hibernating animals, YOU DO NOT WAKE THEM UP!!! They must have this particular groundhog trained quite well because there haven't been any biting incidents that I am aware of yet.

But the real question, why do they need to ask him if he has seen his shadow? Can't they just look behind themselves and see if they can find their own shadows? I mean, if things bigger then the groundhog are going to have shadows, it is quite likely that the groundhog will have a shadow as well. Humans - what they lack between the ears, they certainly don't make up for in my food bowl!

And what is so important about the shadow? Is the groundhog's shadow somehow a slimmer representation of his non-winter self? Is it what he hopes he will look like in the spring? Or is it all set up as a mystery to plague the humans to attempt to figure out why us four-footed creatures are at a higher state of being though we sit lower to the ground? I don't know that I have ever seen my own shadow...if my belly were fuller, I definitely wouldn't even have to contemplate whether I had a shadow! Sometimes, I catch my tail out of the corner of my eye and think that it is a delicious treat following along behind me...but never my shadow. If I caught sight of my shadow and didn't know what it was, I might think it was after the really yummy treat trailing along behind me. Shadows can stay in the shade where they belong as far as I am concerned!

I hope no one is taking this as an attack on the groundhog and think that I don't appreciate a holiday for a fellow furry friend...well, my prey really. I think the idea of Groundhog's day just needs to be modified slightly to make it a commemorative event for dachsies around the globe!

We would throw all this silly shadow nonsense out the door, bake some really delicious carob-flavored cakes (since puppies can't have chocolate), and let the groundhog chasing games begin!

Jealousy as a Jack Russell Terrier

2006-02-08T11:59:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I was privleged enough - or so I started my trip - to go and take a wild ride up to see my favorite cousin Roxy. Now, normally I can't get enough of Roxy what with her beautiful white coat and unsuspecting spots and mostly because she hides all her bones for me to dig out and chew on. But this time, something was adrift. Roxy was not her usual self. I mean, we are cousins and though I do occassionally try to kiss her, she usually sets me straight pretty fast. Not only did she not put up with my kissing this time, she also revealed another side of her puppy self...and I was shocked!

I have heard all kinds of untrue things about Jack Russells in comparison to the best breed 'o dog (dachsies...in case you were having a brain fart...do those smell). Humans say they are aggressive and overly energetic and potentially even destructive! Roxy and her kin have always been so sweet to me...well, one on one...when all three of them are together (Ira her brother and Lulu her mommy live in NH) they do this stupid thing of acting like a pack (till their humans put a stop to that...but that is another topic and another story). Usually, Roxy and I wrestle on her carpet and I let her chew my ears like her favorite squeak toy. Occassionally, I'll get a lick in where I want it when she is trying to use me as her own personal hurdle.

But see, this time...the ugly purple-eyed jealousy monster reared its nasty head. {Interjection - In the human world, jealously is the green-eyed monster. In the dog world, she is purple because there are not too many lovely things that I can think of that are purple that I would want to eat and I can think of plenty of green things that I do love to eat. Oh wait, blackberries and raspberries are purple...and eggplant...so jealousy is none of those purples...she is a darker, more brooding shade of purple.}

I was sitting on the floor chewing on a lovely pig-ear bone and Roxy was on the couch. My human attempted to pry the bone from the depths of my jaw...well, I got a little snappy and curled my lips and let out a little savage snarl to let her know that I was NOT happy with her chosen action. The human couldn't take the hint and tried to make me stop by yelling, "bad dog" at me. {Interjection #2: You know, there was a time and a place that phrase used to make me feel about as tall as the top of my toes. But not anymore, all I have to do to win the human over is give her a lick on the nose and roll over to let her rub my belly. I think those humans had better come up with more drastic means of correcting us if they ever intend to "train" us. HA! Like we are trainable! Little do they know, we canines are slowly taking over the world...}

Anyways, Super Roxy flew into the commotion and rolled me over on my back and started to assault me with her low, growling bark. Her teeth never made contact with my coat but nonetheless I let out my high pitched squeal to get my human's attention {Interjection #3: I think that it is very important that every canine has an approved method of gaining the attention of a human when they find themselves in a compromising position. You can imagine that I run into this problem quite frequently as I am so darn cute, cuddly and talented!!}

My human rushed to my rescue and freed me from the not-so-tender embrace that Roxy had me in. She cooed and hushed me till I stopped shaking and I even convinced Roxy's human to give me several treats (ok, minor embellishment here).

Roxy didn't like the royal treatment that I was getting. For the rest of the morning while the humans were around, she kept on growling at me and rolling her eyes and telling me what a baby I was. But I know the truth...she was JEALOUS! She wanted to be the hero and instead she was the culprit of crime. She wanted to be adored and fawned over...sorry, puppy...there is only room enough for one of us in this canine world! I mean, my human may joke that she is going to take her home for good with us one day, but I think that she knows deep down that I would pee on every last square inch of her carpet if she became multi-canined.

Roxy, I hope you read this. Roxy, I hope we can be friends ago. Roxy, I'm gonna tell all my loving and adoring fans to check out your very own website on Dogster.

Adoring Fans: Please click on the title of this post to see Roxy's Dogster page. She is about the cutest they have to offer. Leave her a bone or 17 because she is a little on the skinny side! Though I must applaud her efforts of late as she has been getting into anything and everything that she can reach in such a Frankie-esque manner that I can't help but hope that I am slowly but surely rubbing off on her. Oh, and her predecessor...I guess he would be Roxy's uncle...the Wee Willie Willa Wa of the Yorkshire Terrier breed...was the one who taught me how to lift my leg...and to that I will be forever indebted to Roxy and her brother, sister and aunt!

Farewell to Spots...My Cousin

2006-01-30T12:10:00.000-05:00

I am not sure how many of my fellow fans are aware of the amount and type of cousins that I presently have. I must say that since this time last week that count is down by one. My human's younger sister...the one with the smelly feet...graciously opens up her home to an unaccountable number of green anoles who reside in a lovely terrarium that is a little higher than the tip of my nose if I were to balance precariously on my back legs.

Sadly, I learned a few weeks ago that my buddy Spots was doing poorly and the humans were hoping that her misery would end sooner rather than later. Apparently, she was becoming gray and breathing very heavily. But, I remain hopeful that Spots has not actually departed from this world and actually has been revived to some shade of her normal self and is living happily among the warm, green blades of grass that are starting to poke prematurely for the soil.

Last week - was it Friday - Spots' owners threw her out with the trash. Yep! "So long Spot!" they yelled as they tossed her on top of their breakfast remains and wished her a safe bon voyage to the lovely afterworld of lizards where all lizards must go once thier scales hasve diminished on this so-called place referred to as earth.

Can you believe the nerve of these humans? The audacity?

I quickly forgot my contempt for them yesterday when Smelly Feet gave me extra treats...I guess she was feeling a little guilty after all.

My New Favorite Song

2006-01-19T12:16:00.000-05:00

Stolen from the Girl Scouts...and sung in horror of the puppy dog path o' poo that Crystal is headed down...

I know a weenie man
He owns a weenie stand
He sells most anything from hot dogs to ham
One day I'll join his life
I'll be his weenie wife
Hot dog! I love that weenie man

I married the weenie man
We moved to Weenie Land
We had to weenie kids who blew up the cat, POP!
They went to weenie jail
We paid a weenie bail
Hot dog! Those weenie kids are bad!
Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie....

And my human's contribution to the weenie song in honor of one cute weenie dog...

They bought a weenie dog
He was a weenie hog
He bit the weenie man right where it hurt. YAY!
Weenie dog ran away
Happiest that-a-way
Hot dog! That weenie dog is smart!

A Contemporary Canine Christmas List

2005-12-20T11:59:00.000-05:00

If all I wanted for Christmas was my two front teeth, that wouldn't be very much fun. Instead I have comprised a list covering practically everything that my little doggie heart could be won over with. Please send all packages such that they are completely sniffable and easy to open as I must dispose of all evidence before my human makes it home at night.

1. Meat of the Month Club.

I live with a vegetarian. I never even get scraps, leftovers or the faint scent of animal flesh unless she permits me to visit elsewhere. When I was confined to the kennel over Thanksgiving, the other doggie's breath drove me completely wild with the strains of turkey and dressing and gravy. I suppose I will never be a truly spoiled dog until I convince my human to give in and indulge in carniverous behaviors. She is stubborn but I have her wrapped around my little paw so hopefully it won't take too long. But, on the odd chance that my plan backfires...the above would help fuel the fire that I am lacking in my life.

2. Canine Chauffer

I would prefer to be seen in a zoomy little Z3 but I'll settle for a meticulously kept Mini. My driver should come with an unlimited supply of papertowels and Windex to wipe my cute-as-a-button noseprints from the windows as I love to have clean windows to smudge the bejezus out of. I absolutely require someone who will be at my beck and call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year! I like the occassional midnight drive through the country, the rush hour run through the city and the long, lesiurely drives out to see my Real Owner. Oh, and stock the glove compartment and area underneath the seats with the best and bodacious doggie treats available. Oh, and the chauffer must be able to sing when I'm in the mood for a little music. And no one who smells like cats or comes to work sporting the hair of another dog. I'm a particular type of dog who gets jealous easily and I wouldn't want to show my badside and shame my name!

3. Opposable Thumbs

Does this really need much explanation? I need to be able to open the treat cabinet...whenever my tummy makes it rigorous demands for food.

4. Exposure to Small Children

No, I don't want to eat them or even lick them. Though, they tend to taste mighty good as they always manage to splash some variety food on various parts of themselves so maybe I do want to be able to lick them. Mostly thopugh, I want to be around them when they are carrying around food because little children are closer to the ground and closer within reach of my mouth. I just walk on by nonchalantly, snatch the snack from their unpretentious fists and keep on walking right along while I gobble.

5. Bird Call

You know, one of those things that you blow into and it makes a horribly birdy type of noise. I need that to scare my human. If I blow that just as she opens the treat cabinet, why I'll be living like a hog in a field of candy corn!

6. Peace on Earth and Good Will Towards Men

I'm not just about my stomach, you know. But peace with my tummy and good will of my human towards my tummy would be most appreciated.

I Bit the Wine Bottle...and It Bit Back!

2005-12-11T21:36:00.000-05:00

I really do wish that some ingenious poodle (they say those dogs are highly intelligent...though I find their curls a bit too perfect and disturbing for my own taste) would come out with a line of Delectable Doggie Drinks to make the schmooze and the peruse of the holiday season a little more festive. I mean, I'm all about my stainless steel dish filled with Brita-esque ice cold water...but a doggie likes a dash of flavor and color now and again. And what better time than the holiday season for a pooch to get a little pesky and demand some partaking in the holiday spirit all on his own?

So, since those poodles aren't using their noodles like they are trained to do...I tried to take matters into my own paws. My human just came home from some holiday frolick or the other and left her bag of good things on the floor as she cleaned off the dishes. I KNOW...she TORTURES ME...she comes home with a dish that held CRAP DIP and SHE DOESN'T GIVE ME ANY OR LET ME LICK OUT THE DISH!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I stuck my nose into that bag to see what else she had in there and I saw this lovely, glowing bottle of what could only be described as the wine that will take the whine out of my whine...so I tried to dislodge the screw cap. See, my human partakes in wine that is canine-friendly...well, actually she has a cork-removal deficiency...but I don't think I could open a cork anyways. I bit the top of the bottle...and low and behold, the doggone bottle BIT ME BACK!!!!!! I jumped about 7.5 inches high...and ran away with my lovely tail between my legs. EVIL EVIL AUSTRALIAN WINE!!!

So, this is my plea for a smart canine...no goldens or poodles...to come up with some doggie drinks that don't bite back, are canine-cap friendly and that will spread a little sparkle in my otherwise bland bowl of water.

Post-Kennel Confessions...

2005-12-01T12:16:00.000-05:00

Can you believe that my human had the nerve to go on a whirlwind of a trip to another continent and had the nerve to leave my cute doggie behind under lock and key at my friendly vet's kennel? Don't worry, I have launched a full out assault on the carpet until I feel that she has completely paid for her lack of devotion and compassion as the fortunate posessor of one said Frankie dog. She went thousands and thousands of miles and didn't even bring me back a gouda-flavored bone...though, I've been sniffing all the yummy cheese that she did bring back and it has got my name written all over it. If I can just figure out how to open the door of the frig, I'll be sure to lick every bit of it so she won't have any choice but to give it to me.

I've learned from her stories that saliva sort of grosses her out. Something about her sister with the smelly feet licking all her Girl Scout cookies when she was little so no one would eat them. My human didn't touch them - but the other sister...the one who keeps hold of my REAL owner - she had no hesitation about eating prior-licked cookies. I don't think that I would have any hesitations either. But then again, I eat anything and never ask where it has been. And so far it has worked to my advantage. I hardly ever get sick and I owe all that to my stomach of steel. Each new find is a true testament to the fact that I am really supposed to just sit, sample and snack for the fortitude of my frolicking days.

Oh my, this typing makes me quite tired as I am out of the synch of my creative scheduling. You know what that means...time for a little snack and some reapplication of the ointment to my self-afflicted wound at the kennel. Yep, I scraped off the top of my nose again to make myself even more pathetic and heartbreaking when my human picked me up. For the record, it didn't work...and what a waste of an adorable nose!

Personnel Plea

2005-11-10T13:00:00.000-05:00

I am currently interviewing for my own personal canine companion to follow me around outside as I take my lesuirely jaunts, frolic through the falling leaves, and sniff every last green blade of grass. I would prefer someone who is not opposed to carrying my leash as I have a tendency to get a little crazy when I see really hairy dogs or ones that look like they just deserve to be bitten. You must also have an endless supply of biodegradable baggies as I like to poop without warning and sometimes frequently. Lastly, you must have a soothing voice and the ability to look away when I happen to stumble upon a delectable treat.

FYI - my human knows nothing of this but can I tell you that she is spending more and more time at home trying to appease my every last need and it is driving me absolutely batty. She scratches me, throws my ball but she refuses to just leave my container of treats open and accessible. And when she walks me, she completely leads me out of the way of yummy things that litter the ground. I can't take it! I tried to get away from her the other evening during our nighttime walk but she caught on to quickly.

See, this was the scenario. We had crossed the field and had just reached my most absolute favorite place to sniff and snack. Usually, there is at least peanuts for the squirrels strewn about or sunflower seeds for the birds. My human hates birds - so I'm not usually allowed to play in the bird seed for too long. Wow, a little off topic. So, my human had gotten one of those things that attach to my leash that hold bags for my poop. Well, genius that she is somehow managed to secure the tie thing only to the bag holder and not to the leash. And, on top of that, she couldn't figure out where the bags ripped apart from one another. So, there I was with a human with a bunch of bags a mile long mumbling loudly to herself about how she couldn't figure out where the perforation was. EMBARASSING!

My human didn't hear them walk by...but I saw the Sheltie and her owner. So, I figured this was my chance to leave my humiliation in my dust and stake out a tasty snack. I started barking uncontrollably - which is hard to do on a whim - and ran with all my might towards the other dog. Wouldn't you know it that instead of beelining out of my way as I was anticipating, the other dog sits down and waits for me to get there. My human, in the meantime, has gotten a tighter grasp of my leash and is attempting to reel me back in...like a salmon trying to swim upstream (I'm working on my metaphors and similes these days - writing exercises to loosen my mind and get me back in my writing mode so you are just going to have to drift along with these fishy things). I plow face first into the other dog...and get a mouthful of hair. Let me just say that it was clear as a pig in a mud puddle that the dog had not been spending extra time in the bathtub as of late.

All that effort to make a break for a snack and all I get is a dirty hairball. ECKHKHKSH (that would be the sound of me ejecting said hairball from my mouth)! I dutifully gave up my hunt and followed my human inside and waited by my food bowl for dinner. Another day, another treat lost.

Bone-dacious Book Club

2005-10-25T12:16:00.000-05:00

My human must be feeling quite guilty these days...last night she permitted me to accompany her to her Book Club meeting...she insisted that I was only going as part of her costume. Yes, the book club girls broke out in their best goth...let me tell you, it was downright scary. I was pretty primitive about the whole thing...I hid my witch's hat so my human would not torment me by wearing that...but she did finally break out a new collar for me to wear...the ladybug collar was SO last spring. I am quite thankful to have my "Bad to the Bone" collar on once again. Not only does it glow-in-the-dark, but it also makes me feel more...like I was never nuetered.

My human was dressed...I'm not sure I would call it "to impress"...I didn't like the fishnights tights she had on, my nails kept on getting tangled in them when I crawled up onto her lap for some snuggling...and the skirt was a little slippery...and the dark makeup, well, she has certainly seen better days. But what I really hated was that horrible, awful, weasly looking wig that she put on. I mean with that thing balled up in a corner I would not hesitate to mistake it for a hairball coughed up by a rather large black cat. And with Halloween so close, I am certain there are many of those who are going to make it their business to cross my path!

And the host...she was downright scary!! She was ALL shiny and slippery and then she came after me with those black claws and metal spikes protruding from various parts of her body. What were these girls thinking? I certainly hope they weren't thinking it made them MORE attractive...if anything, it is one guaranteed way to chase people away. Which is completely why I started barking uncontrollably to let them know of my outright disapproval of their costumes. After all, not only am I a dog with a blog, an album on the undiscovered edge, but I am also a human fashion critic. I get to see plenty on my multitude of walks, car rides and visits to the pet store - so please do not think that I critique from a limited viewpoint.

Ok, so I had better discuss the rest of the humans who were present...please note that I included the host close to the top because otherwise she would be seriously offended if I buried her in my descriptions of the rest of the readers.

The best suprise of the evening was that of my hman's sister...the one with the smelly feet. She looked and smelled absolutely divine...and she DID NOT participate in the hideous costume contest. I always knew that she liked me the best as she gave me the MOST attention last night...no one else got to sit on her lap or lick her face and catch up on missed time. I had completely forgotten that she had not seen me with all my hair grown back in. I looked quite fetching and I made sure to flex my back so she could see the great work of my neurologist. My human always says something about her being a sort of party pooper...I mean I know that girl can poop, her farts are sometimes fouler than my own...but really, she was the best one at that party last night.

Ok, then there were the two who were completely dressed in black...there was the human with the dark hair who had it all tied up. She smelled like some dogs that my owner has come home smelling like. I at least felt a little at ease since I now know where those two particular doggie smells were coming from. I made sure to rub myself all over her legs so that her dogs would be insanely jealous. I also heard her talking about how one of her puppies is not feeling too well these days...I hope that one gets better soon. A sick dog is one that can't eat treats...and all dogs should never feel like that! Ok, so the other one in black had really long blonde hair...and she had her eyes done up the worst of them all. The dark makeup not only circled her eyes like the rest of them but it extended past her eyelids!! I had a hard time looking at her for long periods of time...though that did not completely discourage me from attempting to maneuver some of her dinner off her plate and into my mouth!

And I think that just about covers everyone...oh, except for the one who gave me the really good belly rub...regardless of the fact that she was wearing spikes and chains and had her eyes all smudged up with different colors. She was the one who voted for herself when it came time to pick the best get-up...or at least that is what my human said.

So, these humans sat around and discussed some dead guy and his writing. Not sure what the draw in that is...if they were attempting to be inciteful and intelligent...well, I won't tell you what road they weren't headed down. I think the real reason they do these things is because each of them brought something absolutely delicious to eat. I only know that things smelled good...aside from what my human brought...even from my lowly position on the floor.

The best part of my night happened in the car ride back home. My human stupidly put me in the backseat with the remnants of her bread pudding. Well, she thought she was quite clever and positioned it just so I couldn't reach it...imagine her horror when I outsmarted her and dived head first into the container! It was heaven...pure carbohydrate heaven! But gosh darn that aluminum foil makes a racket like you wouldn't believe so she was onto me from the start. She pulled her car off the road...climbed out...and TOOK THE PUDDING AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then she did the absolute worst thing that a human has ever done to the ego of a dog...she told me I was "BAD." Well, she had it coming...after all, she insisted that I wear the "Bad to the Bone" collar. I was simply attempting to live up to her expectations...and she had the nerve to call me "BAD!!!" Don't worry...I have paid her back already...she can expect a nice present when she returns home from work.

Explanation of Canine Complexities...

2005-10-20T11:04:00.000-05:00

My human recently clued me into the fact that a select number of my adoring fans...two to be exact...have been attempting to analyze my words and my stories. Please...stop yourself...before you get upset...and let me explain my canine complexities and insightfulness.

Most days, my insights are as deep as a puddle...of my own pee. So, some days they are much deeper than other days...it depends purely on how much I drain from my water bowl or how many salty bones I have been chewing on. Please remember that I ate nonstop on my road trip...I did not drink non-stop...so my insights were not all that deep.

Secondly, you must never ever attempt to analyze a canine. I'm not saying that we are like the female variety of the human species...we are not that moody or unpredictable or downright wound. But, we canines do like to do things our way without any explanation. Some days I feel like sniffing rocks, somedays I feel like chasing school buses and somedays I feel like licking my paws....but I don't like to do all of those things all of the time. So, if you think you are reading a deeper meaning in something posted on my blog...well, chances are you are wrong.

Approach this blog and my spiffy spouts with a clear and open mind...a mind void of thought...and a belly full of food. It is about enjoying and being completely captivated with your favorite canine...that would be ME in case you lost sight of the reason for this!

Ok, must go rest my legs...my human has started me on a new schedule of taking long walks in the morning. I love it...fresh smells, everything covered with dew and not doo...and plenty of kids to bite at their ankles!

Road Trippin' Relived

2005-10-13T11:00:00.000-05:00

Finally, I have awoken from my self-induced food coma...I am sort of sad in that regards as I think I can chalk it up to being one of the best experiences of my life...if I overlook the part about being umm...slightly...uncomfortable! Oh, wait...many of my adoring fans were not present for my great dramatic exit into the land of the full...so maybe I should explain? I really have an entire trip to write about...two if you count my visit to the charming burrough of Queens two weeks ago...but I think I must start with my favorite part...

Picture it...one doggone cute starving hot dog trapped in a car with three humans - only one of them belonging to me...and they sit there for hours talking and jabbering about this grocery store they are stopping in that is filled with delacacies and tasty sample treats...and do they even think about me? I would be voting if they stopped shoving me under the front seat for stopping at a pet store in Connecticut...they just MIGHT have a dog treat that I haven't tried...but again, I ask, I relent,...DID THEY ASK ME?

So, we eventually get to the exit...we are almost out of Connecticut at this point and I have been trapped in the car for four hours without any bathroom sniffs since New Hampshire so I have only the clean, damp lake air filling my nostrils. My human thought it would be "nice" to take me for a little walk before the gaggle of humans made their way into the grocery store. Oh yeah...nice...more like completely torturous!!! I have to be walked way over on the edge of the parking lot far far away from the front of the grocery store...not even near any trash cans that might house some of the tender morsels from Stew's. It was like my human was embarassed to be seen with me...me so slim and trim and absolutely starving. I kept on straining to make my way to the front of the store but for once she wasn't letting me walk her...and yes, that situation has been since corrected and my human understands that I am always to be in control...so I refused to relieve myself instead and she took me back to the car, locked the doors, rolled down the windows (maybe in that order...she is human and NOT a rocket scientist)...and the three of them trolloped off in the direction of what could only be defined as doggie HEAVEN!

Harumph!!! I was sick with the thought of being trapped alone in a car while all those wonderful scents wafted in through the slightly cracked windows. The sleepy human...you know, the one with the long hair who thought that I could only understand my name if she repeated it over and over and over in a fast paced tone...had cleaned all the paper out of the car that I had hoped to lick and chew and bite at one more time before it was really ready to be declared trash. So, I scrounged around for another few minutes hoping the other human...the one who was prone to make me kiss the backseat human....had left her tasty chocolate covered almonds....I would have pretended for their sake that they were covered in that fake chocolcate stuff...the name escapes me at the moment. But I found nothing. I was sitting on the front seat sulking attempting to think up a plan to amuse myself...there was a stuffed duck that I could chew...the backseat human called it something like "Very Scary"...I would say that "Helly Smelly" would be more accurate...or I could pull all the yarn out of a blanket that was being made for Katie...or I could chew at the cap of the water bottles that had been left in the car.

For some reason, the yarn idea seemed the most appealing...I hopped into the backseat and started rummaging among the knitting needles when I realized where the wonderful scent was REALLY wafting from. Wouldn't you know that my human had overlooked the very thing that would bring me complete bliss in this world.

That is right folks...my bag of dog food...and not the old cheap stuff that she used to feed me...the stuff that was worth more than me per pound...was sitting right there in front of my cute doggie nose...I drooled for a moment or two before I gathered my wits and attempted to figure out how to disengage the clip from the bag. My human really did serve to help me out on that one...being an engineer, she had left some books laying around that I had perused through once or twice to help me out on opening things as quietly as possible...there was no need to be quiet this time, but speed would be of the essence.

I chewed a little bit below the clip, I chewed a little bit above the clip, and it was when I chewed a little bit on the clip that the thing snapped open and I was SOOOOOOOO happy! I charged into that bag like a bull...like a bull...like a bull charging an unsuspecting onlooker...hard and fast and with my eyes closed shut! My jaw plowed into that food and I just started gulping as fast as I could...about 10 times faster than I normally eat my food...I did not want to waste any time because those humans could come back at any moment and I didn't want them to suspect anything!

I must have eaten for a good 45 minutes...I mean I ate till I felt like I was going to burst and I ate till I felt like I was full...that is the first time that I have ever reached that state of oblivion...I don't know if humans have an equal feeling to it or not. But goshdarn, I wish that I had not waited so long to experience it...my human was finally getting soft...I hoped this little overlook would not damper my possibilities of it happening again soon. I think I was just beginning to experience what humans like to refer to as "food hallucinagens"...I was seeing bunnies broiled and baked with carmelized carrots dance before my eyes...I even tried to chase one of them...and ended up at the floor of the driver's seat.

It was when I tried to chase the chocolate cow with the ice cream entourage that I realized I was stuck...I mean I was SO FULL that I couldn't even drag my belly up onto the seat to get back to my bag of food...I had left he bag back there unfinished and opened. Those humans were definitely going to figure it out!!!

This is making me so very hungry...I'm gonna have to finish the telling of this tale later...gotta give my adoring fans something to wonder about at the very least!

Cut The Crap

2005-10-13T10:54:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know that my adoring fans are sitting on the edge of their seats awaiting my commentary on my latest travels...but I must address something much more pressing first.

People...not my adoring fans...are finding it necessary to post CRAP comments to my blog. Let me say this one time and one time only...the only kind of crap that will be dealt with on this blog is my own...and I don't mean my problems...I mean my doggie crap that I expel during my daily walks or occassionally on the carpet when I am feeling the need to retaliate against my human.

I don't need a random posting about some website that I can't live without...unless it is for an unlimited supply of puppy treats or links to my favorite doggie websites. So PLEASE...you filth out there who can't advertise in an effective way...kindly remove your foot from my tail before I go yelping to places where you don't want to be heard!!!

SIGH....much better now that I have cleared the air...

The Straw That Broke The Doggie's Back

2005-09-12T17:46:00.000-05:00

Alas, I return to my writing woes with not as much hair as I anticipated having upon my return...yes, I fear that my lack of follicle frenzy has left me with little deep thought to share with my captive audience. But today...yes, today...I was struck quite hard by profound thought when my human got up early AGAIN...and left me with a closed treat cabinet...and I felt the need to spread my doggy whine...

I HAVE NO TREATS!!! Can you believe the nerve of my human to maintain herself as being so busy that she can't even stop at the doshdogarned Trader Joe's and pick me up several hundred boxes of my delectable doggie treats?? I mean, I am down to mere crumbs...and she doesn't even have the gall to act the least bit concerned. Instead, she thinks that shreds of her own food count as my "daily" treats...well! I have news for her...they count for nothing more than explorations in my taste testing of the entire world...they do not count as my treats!!!

Where is the compassion? Where is the sentiment? Where are the treats!!! Ask not, good humans and faithful, fat dogs what you can do for each other or the betterment of the world...but ask HOW you can bring me more treats!!! I pine, I shrivel, I yelp at the mock horror of my situation...and my lack of treats!!! WANT TREATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In light of my whining, I wanted to add that I do have several fellow canines down in the southern regions of the country that could also use some special treats sent to them...or in the very least, donations to the humane societies down there...in fact, I pledge that all treats I have been denied of for the past week will be sent down to those poor, desparate doggies...actually, I would not mind if one or two of them came to visit me till their homes were restored to working order...

The only other thing I can think of to make my human more focused on my dwindling supply of treats is to figure out how to get her to stay home...and not goto that YUCKY workplace where she spends all day tolling or socializing or staring into space rather than out shopping in all the delectable doggie barkeries for my TREATS!!! I guess I'll have to unleash my book sooner than I anticipated...so if I am silent...well, I'm laboring on my human's behalf...

Signing off by my EMPTY food bowl....

One Skinny Frankie Dog.

General Gripe

2005-08-19T11:21:00.000-05:00

I sit at home all day...well, sleep in real oblivion...and can you believe the nerve of my human to come home, not only late...but smelling of other canines?? I swear, she walked in that door last night and she reeked...of greasy-haired, mangy mutts! Why doesn't she have the decency to at least change clothes or take a shower so that I don't suspect that she is canine-cheating on me?

I am the most loveable of a love bug dog that ever did exist...and yet she has to go and get her pets, licks and snuggles in elsewhere? I swear!! Tomorrow, I am posting an add for a new human. I wonder if they have a website for that...oh my, that would be another great addition to my multi-million dollar empire...not only will I have my record label and my musical career...but I'll make tons 'o treats as my own dot-com enterprise!

Bleechka!!!!!!! to Becca...

2005-08-16T03:57:00.000-05:00

As I try to keep my dedicated and devoted plans happy as clams digesting dog food...I felt the need to respond to the commentary posted by Becca...who, normally, I might say, gives one hell of a belly rub.

Becca wrote:

"Golden retrievers are barely better than beavers

Beavers, however, are bigger than Frankie.

I'm afraid your fellow dog being able to swim well doesn't say much about you...

I bet you would be good at singing, however. Karaoke soon?"

***********

I am sure you all remember when I posted the article...oh, I figured out the link thing...click on the title of the blog entry...about the golden retriever who did so well in the swim from Alcatraz? Well, it seems that the lovely Becca completely missed my point!

I was NOT comparing the likes of this Frankie dog to that of a golden retriever...rather it was a commentary on the state of the world and the ongoing struggle between the homo sapiens and the canines and the homo sapiens lack of understanding or utter stupidity that they in no way compare to the world of the understated canine...

Actually, I think the lovely Becca might have helped me prove my point even better by expressiong her own inability to fully understand the multitude with what I was trying to get across...AND she had the gall to compare me to a beaver!!!

First of all, I don't think I have ever seen a beaver up close...but I guess the poor beaver's teeth would give him right away...it must be terrible to not only BE a beaver but to have those god-awful buckteeth that you know are only good for one thing...wreaking havoc on weatherworn wood...and who in their right mind would chew on wood for fun? I guess the forlorn puppy might occassionaly stoop to the level of the beaver...but it is purely for the attention of our humans!

And as far as singing, I can carry quite the tune...but Karaoke?? PUHLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't you know, why aren't you aware, that I, the one, the only Frankie Dog...am starting my worldwide tour sooner than you can strap a flip flop on the back of a bunny?

Karaoke...well, I never!! Maybe to prove myself I will need to start unveiling all the hit smashes in my upcoming album, "Frankie: Unleashed." Stay tuned, fellow fans...greatness is on the horizon!

The Tantilizing Trail of My Weekend Treats

2005-08-15T11:13:00.000-05:00

Yikes! It has been literally weeks since I stretched my paws and typed away for the enjoyment of others...my human had a few problems...and she insisted on forcing me to live in a cage for a number of days while she pranced off to parts unknown engaging in who knows what kind of amusements...I need to get the story from her before I can fully update you on what I have been doing the past couple of weeks. Let me just say that I came back a slimmer Frankie dog...and we do NOT like to see that!

On a remarkable note, my morning walk left behind a delish and colorful summary of the fresh and juicy treats that I had consumed over the course of the weekend. For once, I, Frankie Dog, was given an ample and unending supply of treats...and not just any old treats mind you...but fresh-from-the-fields, handpicked-for-me blackberries and tomatoes! My leave-it-behinds this morning were quite a colorful contention of all that I indulged in! And they smelled quite nice I might mention...

AHhh!!! Just the thought of those blackberries dripping with their fragrant and sweet juice makes me want to smack my lips...if I had lips to smack...so to substitue I wack my tail against the leg of the dining room table while I eat it. ACK!! My human will know that I have been sneaking from Smelly's pile of berries when she gets home...I just dripped some of the uneraseable juice all over the rug...and she'll know that I have been standing on my hind legs...which I am forbidden to do...and all at the cost of filling my tummy. A back is a silly old thing to stand in the way of a full and unrumbling belly.

That last little sentence or two was very Winnie the Pooh-esque of me, don't you think? Not that I would ever attempt to imitate the personality of a great like Pooh...but really, can anyone compare to little old me and my love of all things digestable? I mean, now that I put a little more thought into it, Pooh was very limited in many ways...I mean what sort of animal limits himself ONLY to one food regardless of how good and lip-smackery it is? Come to think of it, Pooh did alot of the lip smacking as well...but I don't think that bears have lips anymore than dogs do...

Are humans the only ones with lips? Maybe that is why they insist on talking so much...they think that their faces with those lips are just so doggone special that they deserve to be heard. In all honesty, I have yet to meet a pair of lips...with the exception of my real owner's baby sister...that I can't get enough of.

Canines: One. Homo Sapiens: Zilch

2005-08-02T06:02:00.000-05:00

As I perusing my pawful of a newspaper this morning...I came across the best news that I have read in an eternity.

I know...you can't decide which you should be more enthralled by...the fact that I, Frankie Dog, can read OR the fact that there was something good to read about.

Well, as luck would have it a canine...the golden retriever type...swam in a race from Alcatraz to the California cost and BEAT more than 400 human competitors. The link should be on this page somewhere...if the whole cutting and pasting thing worked...

I am so impressed with that goldie. One, because I have always heard rumors that goldies aren't the brightest of the pups...but I'll give them credit that they have to be slightly more with it than the homo sapiens that we encounter on a day to day basis...and I heard that they sometimes don't make the smartest decisions, the goldies I mean. Well, I wouldn't be caught dead in that cold Cali water...not only are there tons of fish that would probably try to take a bite out of my tail...it is SALT WATER! And do you know what salt water does for the coat? It completely makes you sticky and icky and when you roll in the sand to clean it off...well, even more sand sticks to you because of the salt. So, not only have you had to endure a cold swim but then a cold shower is in the future as well! ICK!! I keep my stand as anti-water.

Anyways, kudos to the goldie for making a grand show for us canines. He obviously has a much better technique than the human they took his photo next to. I mean what crazy human does breaststroke across rough waters? That is just about the slowest way that you could cross a body of water...I mean, dog paddle is even faster than that...and if we could lift our legs up over our heads you had better believe that us canines would be investing our time in learning freestyle and butterfly...but breaststroke is for the ducks!

Ahhh...finally the Monday of the week is done and over with...I can get a little rest in this morning on a clean pile of towels still warm from the drawer...My favorite!!!!!!!!

The Whipping of the Wind Beneath the Waggle of My Tail

2005-08-01T17:55:00.000-05:00

I only have a few moments...300 to be precise...before my mean, unrelenting, cheapskate of a human locks me up again...while SHE goes out and enjoys herself...the NERVE...leaving the best part of her personality (WO - that is I in Chinese for you non-foreigners out there)...behind to sit and sulk and contemplate where to leave a little of my scent on the rug.

Can I tell you that tonight I had the best run ever since my little back incident? I mean, I don't think that any experience could beat the one that I just had...I took off at the speed of light...well, the speed of light if it had legs as short as mine...with the wind whipping beneath my tail as I let it streamline behind me...kind of like a rudder that directs...Oh wait, there I go with that boating terminology. Let me clear one thing up...I HATE BOATS. I hate things that float on the water, I hate things that swim in the water, and more so than anything else I hate being any part of the water.

So my tail wasn't a rudder...it was more like an udder...oh wait, cows have those...female cows at that. I really like the "udder" sound this evening so I am going to have to make up my own word for what my tail was like...My tail was like butter...there! I didn't even make up my own word!

My tail was like butter that is soft and set and is sliced through so cleanly...my tail was as scrumptions as butter dripping off an ear of corn as it whipped behind me through the grass...

Oh my...I am becoming quite hungry...guess I had better go eat...while I have the chance...and tell you about my running with the ants later.

A sniff and a lick...

Oh NO!

2005-07-30T17:34:00.000-05:00

I seemed to have unleashed Clem's inner lizard what with my happening dog beat...though I didn't mean for it to be rap...but apparently the lizard ran with his tail...tripped and hit his head...because now he seems to think that he is the reptile's gift to the gangsta' rap world...and under three inches at that. Oh my. How am I going to inform Smelly of this fiasco?

Back to Business

2005-07-30T08:27:00.000-05:00

I know...it's been horribly depressing for you out there who faithfully log in to read my saga of ongoing canine catastrophes and triumphs. I've been slacking...but I think that I can live with it...which means that you shall have too to.

So, since the big "O", I've been...WAIT...you humans and canines alike are dirty. I mean, I know that I can be a dirty dog but not THAT kind of dirty dog. The big "O" to which I am referring is my OPERATION...so get your mind out of the gutters this instant!!! This is a family-rated blog..not one for perverse minds to read subliminal messages in between the lines of prose that I so delicately type...oh, ok...well, maybe there is alot of subliminal stuff going on...but I'm not allowed to admit to it!

For safety's sake I guess I'll have to drop the reference to the big "O"...just so none of you don't get too excited. You know? I was just contemplating the mind in the gutter thing...and dogs...specially us shorter guys...really are the closest ones to being in the gutter. Now, mind you, I wouldn't want to actually stick my head down into one of those things because I have heard what swims around down there...rats and ducks and mongoose...and in Baltimore...I would be willing to bet that there are some Republicans and blue crabs down swimming in that nasty swill as well!

Whoops! This is becoming quite the controversial blog entry...and I didn't start it out with that intention...I was going to say how Smelly and the lizards sent me the most wonderful, heaven-scented treats...but instead look at where I am. Sex, politics, throw in some rock n'roll and I am practically my own drama on Lifetime.

Oh, but the rock n' roll bit...I was experimenting with that yesterday...I had the pleasure of spending my working day at Smelly's house...in her lovely expanse of a kitchen. Can I tell you that she has the most wonderous floor on which to tap dance? It is so accousitcally sound...that any accoustician would indeed be tickled by it. But I digress, so I was whapping my tail against the cabinets insisting to the lizards that it was time for a treat...when my tail accidentally went "phfwump!" against the floor. Oh, it was music to my ears! I started beating a little rhythm with my tail, added a little interlude with my front paws and warbled a delightful rendition of "Hound Dog" by the King himself!

That is when it hit me...the key to how I, a lone but cute canine, can make millions...I will become an international sensation...an overnight musical genius...and it will all start with the release of my very first album, "Frankie: Unleashed."

Now all of you out there just have to promise to buy it so it will go platinum overnight...do you think they would pay me in dog treats instead of that paper currency that you humans get all giddy over?

Critique of My Convalescing

2005-07-25T11:10:00.000-05:00

I have been home now for...SIGH...four days and counting. And the number of days that I was taken pity on and treated like the poor, suffering soul that I am? Precisely, zero...nada...zilch...numero uno minus one...I mean, what does a dog have to do these days to get a little pity, a little cheese to go along with the whine...a few banjos to play in harmony with the violins? I suppose next time...I'll have to try to take more drastic measures to get some attention...or maybe I'll just figure out how to open up my treat cabinet.

So, I am coming along quite nicely if I do say so myself. I had a very busy weekend indeed. My first day home, Friday, left me all alone to sleep and get used to hobbling around...I was really dragging my leg in the morning but by the end of the day I was doing much better. My human even let me chase my ball around for a little bit and I moved a little faster when a treat was promised at the end of the trek. The human cousin Nicole came to visit as well and I made an extra special effort to move super fast so that she would be impressed...I wasn't so impressed with the nickname that she dubbed me with..."Franken-puppy"...as she claimed the staples in my back gave me that Frankenstein-esque appearance. I guess the likes of those humans will just never understand the complexities of the canine world...and I had such high hopes again for Nicole! I must also express my true sadness that she did not bring Roxy along...my Jack Russell Terrier cousin who I do so love to play with..but at least she brought me delish treats...even if they are void of ALL animal byproducts!

Saturday proved to be more excitement than I could stand...the human's let me ride in the car but I am forced to do so behind bars. Something about me being "expensive" and "fragile"...which I only see as a big bit of a baloney sandwich excuse...ohhh...I am hearing a little rumble in my tumble...I do so wish that somedays my human would just break that tiresome vegetarian habit of hers and keep some raw meat in the refrigerator for when I need it most...instead, I'll just have to settle for some Armenian string cheese...which is sort of fun to eat.

Oh...there I go again...digressing from my intentioned point of expressing my dissatisfaction with having to ride behind bars. How depressing is it for a dog that loves to feel the roar of the wind in his ears and loves to hide from the roar of the mac truck to be banished to a plastic box that is sticky and icky and just miserable? Not only was I not able to observe where we were the whole entire ride in the car...but I had no means to even figure out what road we were on!!

The whole matter makes me rather ripe with agony...I think I am going to call it quits for now...I had quite the exhausting and busy weekend and I have plenty more to write about...but you'll just have to wait to find out about the rest!

But a quick update on my condition...I can fully support my weight now on my back legs, I walk a little bit crookedly but am hardly dragging my foot at all...and I did not want to walk outside in the rain this morning. All in all, I heard my human say that I have completely returned to my normal behaviors!

Housekeeping...Clean Sweep Catch Up

2005-07-23T07:01:00.000-05:00

Since I was a little out of the know how for a few days...I did not have a chance to respond to my WONDERFUL adorers who actually left me comments.

A word on the comments...they are there to make ME feel special...to assure ME that you humans and fellow canines are getting your daily doses of the Frankie dog...I love to have my ego stroked...as well as my belly..so please, leave comments...often, always, and with a coupon for a free treat!

Anyways, down to business...my cousin Spots left me a letter concerning his constant starvation as well. Just to clarify, Spots owns my human's smelly sister...

Spot wrote:Dear Frankie,

I know exactly how you feel. It isn't just you, or your breed, or your species! As a brown anole, I can't tell you the trouble we lizards have in finding food. And I have it lucky living in a big climate controled tank. But still, my humans almost never feed me. They say I look fat, but it isn't my fault that I kept my pregnancy weight. Heck, the other night I even had to escape my tank and go rumaging through their kitchen for my dinner! I spent all night looking for where they had hidden all those juicy crickets, and just when I'd found them, "shriek! Spots got out!!" Next thing I know they're trying to cram me into some tupperware or juggling me from hand to hand! And after all that, my sisters ate all the crickets they DID give us and left me nothing but worms. WORMS I tell you! What's the sport in hunting worms. If I wasn't so old ... Well, anyhow, keep a stiff upper lip Frankie. Maybe your real owner will visit you again soon and spill a hot dog in your direction.

Sincerely,
Spots

Hey Spots, I think this hunger thing that we have in common can be linked to one of two things. The first one, though not the one that I believe in, is that since we are first cousins...it might be genetic! Somewhere along the line, we didn't the satiated gene or something...whoa...big word back there...probably longer than even you are little slimy buddy! The second reason...and by far the bite over the bark...is that since our humans are related...they are responsible for starving us...and it is a plot against the animal kingdom to starve us into waif-like animals so they can use us and exploit us and tell us that the only way for a successful life as a model is to be super thin...oh wait, I am getting sidetracked...I have been watching E network...and you know how that messes with the brain. We aren't supermodels...even though I do think I am quite the super canine...and right now I could really use a cute little cape...it would do wonders to hide my bare, bare back!

But again, I digress...Spots...we must create a united front...I'll distract your human the next time I am at your house, knock the cricket jar over with my tail, and then you can go hog wild. The only other piece to that puzzle is figuring out how to get you out of the terarium...maybe you can dig deep into the rocks again and poop alot so they think that it is mold again and will have to take you out so they can clean it?

COMMENT #2: I had another comment when my human made mention of my neurologist...and how I am neck and neck with my human's cousin Natalie for having a full menu of health professionals. And Natalie's sister seems to think that it is all that Natalie and I have in common? How dare that human overlook the fact that we are both adorable, both have a love for pastries (natalie to create, me to eat), both have knock-me-down-come-hither brown eyes, and the other thing...my cousin Ira, the canine who owns Natalie...well, WE both love the morsels in our food dish...and Ira is a walking advertisement for a well nourished dog! So how could you limit the comparisons to a mere list of doctors...

But even though I knock down and drag out Natalie's sister for her overlooking all the other similarities...I will give the girl credit for her exquisite taste in dog treats...it's as if she samples them herself. I am going to go wake her up now in hopes she'll toss me a couple more.

Sweet Smells of My SuCasa!

2005-07-22T09:45:00.000-05:00

Ahhh!!! The longawaited return to home has finally come! I am currently being a little stubborn about walking too much...I am not too much the fan when my owner picks my buttocks up and wiggles them in attempt to launch me...but I do take a few courageous steps when I hear the sweet twinkling of treats hitting my bowl.

I think the human is going back to work now so hopefully I can get a little snoozing in while she is gone...peace...my own kind of quiet,,,oh, I feel so much better...just had a little trip outside in the grass. I think my human is getting a little annoyed with me since I am dragging my butt a little...But it takes sooooooo much energy to lift up those hindquarters. I promise I'll try hard again later!!!

Sniff Sniff for now...

Down But Not Defeated

2005-07-21T20:55:00.000-05:00

I apologize profusely for those of you who had to read the putrid prose that my human posted yesterday in my abscene....YAWN!!!!!! is about all I can say for that boring attempt at a summation of the day's experiences for this canine. All things being human, I guess I must give her a little iota of credit for trying and for caring enough to keep all my adoring fans...yes, YOU...posted on my whereabouts.

I write this from the caged confines of my neurologists office...the other dogs are snoring...and the lhapsa ahpsa next to me is farting right along with her snores. Somehow, I managed to snag the doc's labtop so that I could get a little writing in...I may be drugged, bald, stapled and temporarily out of the race...but my, oh my...the brain in this dog just never stops going!

I am quite sleepy so I am going to make this short...I just wanted to assure everyone that I will continue to keep you posted on my adventures or misadventures as they sometimes turn out.

Oh...and really...this is a plea for anybody and anyone to send me lots of treats...I'll take any kind of meat, bean, vegetable, tofu or holistic treat that is out there. ANYTHING!!! Can you believe that my human came to visit me today and she had the audacity not to bring me one single little treat?!?!?! She didn't even offer me the lick of the lone gum wrappers wadded up at the bottom of her purse...and she wondered why I wouldn't give her any licks. I give her a tail wag...and in return...NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yay...I get to bust out of this prison...I mean lovely animal hospital...tomorrow and make my way back home to my humble abode where I will squeak all my toys and lick all my bones.

This dog is going to go sleep tight, right without putting up a fight. Good night and no fleas to you all out there.

Another Day...Many, Many Dollars...

2005-07-20T17:33:00.000-05:00

Dearest Frankie Dog Fans -

I regret to inform you that Frankie will be away from his computer for a few days. In the meantime, he has granted me, his "human", to give occassional updates on his current condition.

Alas, last night I came home to a Frankie that was not quite so springy from his latest bit of mischief...to which I am still not privy to the details. Anyways, he insisted on an early morning visit to the vet...as he loves to be the first dog there just as they are cleaning the floors so that he will be the VERY first scent in the waiting room for all the other dogs who have to pay homage throughout the day.

After being treated quite tenderly and being diagnosed as having not so good response to some tests, Frankie added a specialist to his list of health care professionals. Yes, that is right, Frankie now has his very own neurologist.

The brave bit of dog bit the bullet and went under the knife to have surgery to correct his herniated disc (for those of you out there who understand, it was between the 12th and 13th disc)...he should be home on Friday and will be a little bare on his backside for awhile but is expected to make a complete recovery.

Sincerely Yours,

Frankie's Human.

Foraging for Food

2005-07-19T11:23:00.000-05:00

Why...someone of you ask...do I always feel that I am hungry? Why...some of you might not ask...am I always whining and begging for one more treat? How...you definitely wish you knew...do I know how to tell time by the sound of the food hitting the bottom of my bowl?

Well, I have spent many a night researching this hunger mystery...and it seems to me that I can definitely say that it isn't my fault, it isn't breed specific, and there is no common cure for it. So, those of you who are of the opinion that my human starves me...well, I agree wholeheartedly...but my research is not backing that up. Maybe I need to rewrite the research to more effectively support my case....hmmm...I figured out how to type without deft movement of my toes...holding an eraser shouldn't pose too much of a challenge.

I am continually foraging for food because I am attempting to bone up on my survival skills. If my human ever had the audacity to set me free in the wilds of suburbia, I would be able to survive as long as the weather was warm, the water plentiful, and the grease from grills ever flowing...I sharpen my mind and my nosebuds every afternoon on my walk when I track the latest treats that have been tossed out for the birds...but why should birds be the only ones that enjoy the moldy treats of stale bread? Its not like the carbs are going to benefit their beady brains or make them see better...and oh, the carbs definitely put an extra swiggle in my hips...and an extra tub of flub round my belly...so clearly they are more benficial to me!

As the schnausers would say..."what's the point of being a schnauser if you can't have any struedel?"...now, I don't know if schnausers are German...but if I had such a horrible name as schanauser...I would require some struedel to make me feel better. And because I have been separated from my homeland, it seems only right that I can indulge in whatever I can find...trust me...if I had an unlimited supply of knockwurst and sauerkrat...I would probably never be sniffing the sides of the dumpster or licking up remnants pizza sauce from the cardboard boxes....but since I am forced to reside in suburbia in a country with no known culturally acclaimed food...I will continue to forage.

Composting of Complaints

2005-07-18T13:48:00.000-05:00

dearest diary....today i encountered many people who had commentary that they are not willing to log in as comments at the end of my entries. first, i had my human's smelly sister telling me that describing my humble abode and my cushy surroundings would be as boring as toilet paper swirling down the crapper...hmmm...if a dog made toilet paper swirl down the crapper, now that wouldn't be so boring. i mean, i can definitely get the toilet paper off the roll...i haven't done that for awhile. Note To Self: Unroll toilet paper tonight when I get hungry. ok, ok...then i have the human's other sister telling me that her daughter (aka my real owner) doesn't "let" me take food from her, that i steal it right out of the innocent hands of the three year old when she isn't looking. the nerve! i would never, i mean never, steal from an innocent creature such as my owner unless what she was holding tickled my nose into convulsions...and well face it, everything she eats is chocolate to my tongue...and since i can't eat real chocolate, i have to take what i can get! so, i guess the second human sister may have a valid point...but i won't bow my humble head and admit to it. and then...yes, more complaints, opinions, etc...it appears that some people feel that i am not following the laws of a true blog...that it is not journal-like enough...hence the implementation of "dear diary." since KT is one of my favorites to visit, i will abide by her wishes and try to make the experience for her more journalesque...but only because i am permitted to get close and friendly with her Penny...the beautiful blonde italian greyhound.

Forevermore till the next writing spell entrances me - frankie dog

Slightly Saddened by Some Sniffing...

2005-07-18T11:23:00.000-05:00

I wanted to share a short, but very sobby, story with you. I was quite saddened by some sniffing last night. Quite saddened...saddened to the point where I could only bring myself to lick my bowl out only once after I finished devouring my dinner.

The human came home last night...much later than I usually allow her since she hadn't prepared my dinner before she departed...and I sniffed her shoes and hands as usual. And she smelled...like my owner...my REAL owner...the little human who lets me kiss her and steal her food as long as I let her drag me around on my leash occassionally. How did my human dare go and see her without taking me along? I am so moved by the sadness that I have written a little ditty to express myself fully:

SAD FROM A SNIFF

It took one sniff
One little whiff

Made me sad
My tummy was had

I missed my girl
With the curls

I got no treats
From the little sweet

I am a sad, sad hound
And I am owner-bound.

Don't look for me
Or track my pee.

Running With The Balls

2005-07-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was indeed one that is noteworthy...not only was it so hot and humid that I can finally declare that the dog days of summer are upon us...WAIT...I must digress on the previous statement...

Dog Days of Summer...the crappiest, hottest, most unstandable days of summer are associated with the canine world? I just don't understand. We are loveable, trustworthy, brilliant creatures...ok, maybe we like to roll around in the dirt and eat bugs and grass occassionally...but that can be done almost anytime of the year. I mean, one moment out in that hot weather and I feel like I could hop right into a cool, refreshing pool...and I never get my tootsies wet unless I am forced to! So maybe the human take on these dog days is that it makes you resort to doing things that you wouldn't necessarily do to stay cool...and the humans had to observe the dogs doing these things before they were able to figure it out for themselves!!! Now it all makes sense...those lowlifes were too dumb to figure out how to stay cool...the invention of the pool only came along after they saw us canines frolicking in a cool stream on a hot day...and a/c only got figured out after they saw us venting hot air from our body via panting. Oh my, the canine world alone is purely responsible for teaching humans how to adapt to the ever chaning ecosystem! Oh my, I must go and contact Animal Planet and tell them of my unbelievable discovery....they have dogs running that corporation, right?

Ok, back to the balls...so this weekend....I was given back my balls...BOTH OF THEM!...sadly no, not the ones I lost on the chopping block...I said I got my balls back, not my manhood...on Saturday I was beside myself with happiness when I got back both my basketball and my bright ornage indestructi-ball! Oh, I have spent countless hours crying and barking whenever I happened to catch a glimpse...I guess the human finally took pity on me and gave them back in an attempt to make me happy! I got so caught up in my celebration that I started shredding my bed...it was quite the party...wish you could have been there...I was ripping up the stuffing and fleece and catipulting above my back....a one-dog party, of course I had to be responsible for throwing my own confetti.

But the human wasn't so pleased when she found the remnants of my celebration....she took my indestructi-ball AWAY!!! She lugged in the roaring cleaner on wheels and sucked up the last shreds of my delightment...and told me to go lay down when I barked in protest....but as luck would have it, a piece killed the cleaner and made it smoke...and run no more it could! Hahaha! Who has the last word after all!

Transgression on My Travels...

2005-07-14T10:59:00.000-05:00

Heard there was some yelping 'bout the fact that I have been resting my weary eyes since the pilgrimage to NH...well, for all you yelpers out there...may this be the treat that you have been smelling since dawn that is hidden just beneath the refrigerator but is right beyond the end of your nose...

To sum it up....it started without a bang. Those humans...mine accompanied by her sister...finally bothered to show after I had been waiting and waiting SOOOOO impatiently by the door for hours on end...they hurried me through a walk...I was too rushed to even get a good poop in!...and we hopped in the car and were in Delaware before I could figure out how to bark "Supercalifragilidiexpalidocious"...and that is where the torture of everything canine began.

Dinner was broken out of the cooler and my snout was tickled by the delectable scent of Baja Fresh burritos...is there anything that smells as spicy and as beany as such a buritto...with the exception of the human sister's farts...and can you believe that they were under the impression that they did not have to share with moi? Oh yes, I bet you thought you were dealing with a run-of-the-mill dachshund...not only do I know key phrases in French...but also in my native German, a smidgen of Chinese, a little turkey (the bird, not the country), and I am very well versed in badger...but oh, I digress...back to the buritto. So, to show them that there selfishness was not appreciated...I did what any self-respecting starving animal would do. I resorted to my lunging technique.

And let me tell you, when the big guy in the sky was handing out skills to breeds....he handed the lunge tactics right to the dachsies...bet you didn't know that we have the strongest bite pound per pound right next to pit bulls, did ya?

Burrito...must focus on the bur....I am simply starving. Hold on - let me go see what I can scrounge from the corners of the linen closet where my old food is kept...I can't write or hardly even think...on an empty stomach!

All I found were a few dust bunnies hiding back against the baseboards...but they were quite tasty...so I guess I will just have to type along to the rhythm of my stomach crying....

So I made several attempts to lunge for Smelly's burrito...can you believe she had the audacity to hold it right out of reach the ENTIRE time that she was eating it? My human took a little pity on me....she gave me a pinto bean (good fart fuel) every now and again and let me eat the last bit of burrito from her wrapper.....ahh, the savory wonder of beans and cheese and sour cream and tomatos so delicately wrapped in a tortilla...a little fine wine and I would have been back home in the dirt piles of Tijuana...oh wait, I'm not a chihuahua...

We arrived in New York only to get stuck on the BQE for OVER AN HOUR! I had to smell the stink of NYC after holding my breath through the likes of New Jersey...I could barely stand it. I tried breathing through my mouth but the humans mistook that for me being hot and thirsty and tried to blow cool air on me...

And let me tell you, the BQE may sound glamorous...but there was no glamour about that road...crappy old trucks and rusted out Lincolns cutting you off...if I had been driving, I would have chosen the route through Manhattan and the tunnels...at least that way a little profanity and rear-end doggie gestures could have been implemented into the ride without any worries...

We all arrived for a night in Queens...stayed with my cousin Roxy who was absent from her own humble abode...her human mumbled something about her taking a visit to the green hills of NH where she could bond with her mother, brother and aunt...

Roxy, if you are reading this, you can keep that mother of yours...I know I am irresistable but I can't take the humping...but know that I missed you terribly but I did quite enjoy all the dog food that you left behind! And could you talk to your human about the location of the treats? I quite preferred them on the bottom shelf as opposed to throwing them all on top of the refrigerator...like you had in Upper West...I could smell them so much easier back in those days!

Roxy's human took me to the park where she promised grass...what she failed to mention was that I wasn't allowed to walk on the grass...oh, these humans and their IQ's...I personally thought she was the smartest of the bunch (yes, kissing up because she gives me SOOOOO many yummy treats when my human isn't looking) and here she knows I love a good pile of green leaves to relieve myself on and I had to settle for a weed...probably the only weed in a 30 block radius! Well, Queens won't forget me anytime soon...I left a little pile of my burrito tastings behind...all the humans had forgotten a bag...but I pooped when no one was looking so there weren't any fines handed out...for them having no grass, Queen sure charges alot for a dog taking a dump!

The rest of the evening in Queens was uneventful...I really must be off for my afternoon nap...I'll fill you in on the muffin mishap and my reunion with the love of my life a little later...

Whiling Away The Wait...

2005-07-07T11:38:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you, those humans...now, they completely underestimate the likes of us dogs. My human thinks she is "preparing" me before a big trip by packing my bags and leaving them inside so I "know" that I won't be left behind.

Well, let me tell all you humans out there...it is PURE TORTURE. The waiting, the stressing, the worrying...it really messes with my emotions and my stomach...all I want to do is eat and eat and eat to pass the time away...oh wait, that is no different from any other day...

Complaining...take two....The HORROR of making me wait for hours on end to take a measly car ride with another human's feet occupying the floor of my favorite seat to sleep under...I can't even fall asleep...every little peep from the birds or creak from the AC cycling on and off rockets me off my pillow to the door in anticipation that it is NOW time to go! It might help if someone told me how to read time...or knocked my toy bin over so that I had something to destroy. I have already done everything that I can think of to pass the time...I licked my bowl six times over, I sniffed all my favorite places on the carpet, I scrounged for food underneath the refrigerator, I tried to strengthen my ESP skills by concentrating on the container of cookies on the table...but those refused to budge. I licked out the cooler...even though it had that icky Lysol taste...and I barked just to hear myself.

What, oh WHAT am I to do till it is time to go???????????

Wrestlin' With The Watermelon Rind...

2005-07-06T20:18:00.000-05:00

It was another hot day in July...when the watermelon crossed the path of my sniffer. I sat there and watched as my human slurped the sweet juice and tender flesh from the melon...I was concentrating so hard that I was drooling right onto my paws...but a little drool wasn't going to break my concentration!

The moment she lowered it within twelve inches of my nose...I locked my jaw onto that rind. Oh boy, was that human a little perturbed. She did everything she could think of...shouting commands like "release" and "let go already"...like I listen to those sorts of things! Then she resorted to blowing in my ears, tickling my throat and touching my feet. It killed my but I just crunched down a little harder...I wasn't letting that garbage-bound treat go that easily!

I finally made it away from her view...skulked into my invisiblity corner...oh, and how I munched! The rind...it was crunchy and slick with watermelon juice...and oh how green it tasted! Just as I was savoring another crisp mouthful of the tantalizing treat, I was blasted from behind with a jet stream of frigid water. Shocked and letting all rational thought fly with my farts, I temporarily let go of the rind...where it found its way into the hands of the human...and then crossed the threshold of the trashcan.

Oh, woe is me...another treat unappreciated...another treat trashed! It is my mission as Frankie the Dog to see that no remnant, no scrap shall go uneaten...no matter how rotten or bug-riden! And I was defeated...