I Am Writing This In The Attempt That No One Will Notice...

Harumph…I really need to pee…I have my tail tucked between my legs since I can’t quite cross the back ones while I type hoping that nothing will spurt out. I really enjoyed my morning bowl of water but apparently it is not time to go out and water the grass with my delicious scent. And it is that god-danged additional human of mine that is not making it happen. I might just have to put my brilliance to work this early in the morning and figure out exactly where his foot will land when he decides to finally make it out of bed. And right in that very spot is where I will plant my little puddle ‘o pee for him to take a splash in. Oh my…what a racket that would make!

Although, he has been rather lazy lately and refuses to goto the gym until next week. Perhaps, if I invited myself up onto the bed and peed right on him…that would give him the little zing that he would need to motivate himself to get there. I know that either way I would find myself locked up in puppy prison for the afternoon until my human made it home from work. And that big black puppy dog that steals all my toys and who seems to think she gets a share of my treats will just sit on the other side of the bars and torment me with her freedom.

Oh, did I mention that there have been a few MAJOR changes in my lifestyle over the past several months while I have taken a hiatus from my writing career? I fear there are too many to count or to document. I will just keep it short and sweet (hey! Just like me!) and tell you that I spent a lot of unnecessary time at the vet, my human made me pack up all my toys and treats and move in with this other puppy dog and…the worst part of all…they have me on a diet for the rest of my life!

Oh yeah, and I have a new “cousin.” She is a terrier…she likes to chew on my ears…and she belongs to my human’s sister with the stinky feet. They are calling her Loki. I am working on a song about her that really captures the spirit of her teeth. She likes to chew on everything and she was trying to take over my job of peeing all over the carpet. Only one dog can complete that task at my house, and that will be me! The good thing about her is that she is still way too little to steal my treats…though I would not put that past her. Apparently, she is coming over to play for the whole entire day tomorrow…and, on that note, I had better go wake up my add-on human so he can take me out…because I have a lot of sleep to catch up before she gets here tomorrow!

Confessions of a CPA'er

I write to you from the muddled depths of puppy prison.  No, I'm not stuck back in the ever-so-savvy kennel but locked behind wooden slats in the depths of my very own humble abode!  My human caught onto one of my secret addictions and has decided to do an uninvited intervention.  I admit it...I bark it loud and strong...I am one of the millions who belong to Carpet Peeers Anonymous.

 

I really only am a full fledged member through the cruel winter months.  I find no enjoyment in freezing my tootsies off in this February (that shall not be mistaken for March) weather.  The wind whipping under my belly and around the recesses of my tail does not bring a delightful shiver to my satin coat.  In fact, my coat is just plain thin and cold out there in the subarctic temperatures and the lack of hair on my belly just leaves me as the next best candidate for an ice puppsicle.  Can you blame me for relocating to inside where it nice and warm...and quite cushy to the tushy as well?

 

 

 

A Valentine's Day Review

I'm a little late...and lots of treats short...of my Valentine Day love declarations.  But, as any puppy knows, a candy heart is better late then never tasted!  I have determined the worst way a puppy as cute as myself could spend Valentine's day is not alone but at the vet's office.  I mean, woe is the puppy who is subjected to cruel and unusual vaccinations on Valentine's day.  I'm willing to bet those vet's aren't giving out a box of carob candy with each needle they inject us with!  I bet they don't give away any cute little plush teddy bears that utter sweet sayings like, "You are the BARK on my tree" or "I MEOW you."  If anything, those vet's probably pad their bills a little bit more claiming they need the extra dough to woo their human honeys on the unavoidable holiday!

 

My human didn't bring any heart-shaped bones home for me but she has been letting me indulge in Sweettart hearts all week long...just one or two here or there...but oh, they are like heaven on my tongue for an indulgence of an instant.  They start off soo sweet and tantilizing and then suddenly become tangy as a tangerine!  I think the purple ones are my favorite...or maybe the blue...or pink...or was it the white?  I guess I am an equal opportunity sweettart heart connuissieur...

 

 

 

Almost Overlooked the Groundhog!

I fear I am becoming a forgetful dog these days...overlooking important holidays that my breed has sentimental ties to.  Yep, February began and I forgot all about the grand celebration of the Groundhog and his spiffy shadow.  See, I think the groundhog is the Americanized version of the badger.  My breed was originally raised to hunt badgers...follow them down into their burrows and scare the living bejezus out of them.  I think that the dachshund breed got a little Americanized at the same time because though I am one slim jim, I fear that getting stuck underground is not anything that I even want to try!

 

But anyways, back to the glorification of the groundhog.  My human was telling me that every year they have this huge celebratory party to wake up a poor groundhog and ask him if he has seen his shadow.  Humans are just dumb...they are asking for blood to be drawn...rule #1 when it comes to hibernating animals, YOU DO NOT WAKE THEM UP!!!  They must have this particular groundhog trained quite well because there haven't been any biting incidents that I am aware of yet.

 

But the real question, why do they need to ask him if he has seen his shadow?  Can't they just look behind themselves and see if they can find their own shadows?  I mean, if things bigger then the groundhog are going to have shadows, it is quite likely that the groundhog will have a shadow as well.  Humans - what they lack between the ears, they certainly don't make up for in my food bowl!

 

And what is so important about the shadow?  Is the groundhog's shadow somehow a slimmer representation of his non-winter self?  Is it what he hopes he will look like in the spring?  Or is it all set up as a mystery to plague the humans to attempt to figure out why us four-footed creatures are at a higher state of being though we sit lower to the ground?  I don't know that I have ever seen my own shadow...if my belly were fuller, I definitely wouldn't even have to contemplate whether I had a shadow!  Sometimes, I catch my tail out of the corner of my eye and think that it is a delicious treat following along behind me...but never my shadow.  If I caught sight of my shadow and didn't know what it was, I might think it was after the really yummy treat trailing along behind me.  Shadows can stay in the shade where they belong as far as I am concerned!

 

I hope no one is taking this as an attack on the groundhog and think that I don't appreciate a holiday for a fellow furry friend...well, my prey really.  I think the idea of Groundhog's day just needs to be modified slightly to make it a commemorative event for dachsies around the globe!

 

 We would throw all this silly shadow nonsense out the door, bake some really delicious carob-flavored cakes (since puppies can't have chocolate), and let the groundhog chasing games begin!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jealousy as a Jack Russell Terrier

This past weekend I was privleged enough - or so I started my trip - to go and take a wild ride up to see my favorite cousin Roxy. Now, normally I can't get enough of Roxy what with her beautiful white coat and unsuspecting spots and mostly because she hides all her bones for me to dig out and chew on. But this time, something was adrift. Roxy was not her usual self. I mean, we are cousins and though I do occassionally try to kiss her, she usually sets me straight pretty fast. Not only did she not put up with my kissing this time, she also revealed another side of her puppy self...and I was shocked!

I have heard all kinds of untrue things about Jack Russells in comparison to the best breed 'o dog (dachsies...in case you were having a brain fart...do those smell). Humans say they are aggressive and overly energetic and potentially even destructive! Roxy and her kin have always been so sweet to me...well, one on one...when all three of them are together (Ira her brother and Lulu her mommy live in NH) they do this stupid thing of acting like a pack (till their humans put a stop to that...but that is another topic and another story). Usually, Roxy and I wrestle on her carpet and I let her chew my ears like her favorite squeak toy. Occassionally, I'll get a lick in where I want it when she is trying to use me as her own personal hurdle.

But see, this time...the ugly purple-eyed jealousy monster reared its nasty head. {Interjection - In the human world, jealously is the green-eyed monster. In the dog world, she is purple because there are not too many lovely things that I can think of that are purple that I would want to eat and I can think of plenty of green things that I do love to eat. Oh wait, blackberries and raspberries are purple...and eggplant...so jealousy is none of those purples...she is a darker, more brooding shade of purple.}

I was sitting on the floor chewing on a lovely pig-ear bone and Roxy was on the couch. My human attempted to pry the bone from the depths of my jaw...well, I got a little snappy and curled my lips and let out a little savage snarl to let her know that I was NOT happy with her chosen action. The human couldn't take the hint and tried to make me stop by yelling, "bad dog" at me. {Interjection #2: You know, there was a time and a place that phrase used to make me feel about as tall as the top of my toes. But not anymore, all I have to do to win the human over is give her a lick on the nose and roll over to let her rub my belly. I think those humans had better come up with more drastic means of correcting us if they ever intend to "train" us. HA! Like we are trainable! Little do they know, we canines are slowly taking over the world...}

Anyways, Super Roxy flew into the commotion and rolled me over on my back and started to assault me with her low, growling bark. Her teeth never made contact with my coat but nonetheless I let out my high pitched squeal to get my human's attention {Interjection #3: I think that it is very important that every canine has an approved method of gaining the attention of a human when they find themselves in a compromising position. You can imagine that I run into this problem quite frequently as I am so darn cute, cuddly and talented!!}

My human rushed to my rescue and freed me from the not-so-tender embrace that Roxy had me in. She cooed and hushed me till I stopped shaking and I even convinced Roxy's human to give me several treats (ok, minor embellishment here).

Roxy didn't like the royal treatment that I was getting. For the rest of the morning while the humans were around, she kept on growling at me and rolling her eyes and telling me what a baby I was. But I know the truth...she was JEALOUS! She wanted to be the hero and instead she was the culprit of crime. She wanted to be adored and fawned over...sorry, puppy...there is only room enough for one of us in this canine world! I mean, my human may joke that she is going to take her home for good with us one day, but I think that she knows deep down that I would pee on every last square inch of her carpet if she became multi-canined.

Roxy, I hope you read this. Roxy, I hope we can be friends ago. Roxy, I'm gonna tell all my loving and adoring fans to check out your very own website on Dogster.

Adoring Fans: Please click on the title of this post to see Roxy's Dogster page. She is about the cutest they have to offer. Leave her a bone or 17 because she is a little on the skinny side! Though I must applaud her efforts of late as she has been getting into anything and everything that she can reach in such a Frankie-esque manner that I can't help but hope that I am slowly but surely rubbing off on her. Oh, and her predecessor...I guess he would be Roxy's uncle...the Wee Willie Willa Wa of the Yorkshire Terrier breed...was the one who taught me how to lift my leg...and to that I will be forever indebted to Roxy and her brother, sister and aunt!

Farewell to Spots...My Cousin

I am not sure how many of my fellow fans are aware of the amount and type of cousins that I presently have. I must say that since this time last week that count is down by one. My human's younger sister...the one with the smelly feet...graciously opens up her home to an unaccountable number of green anoles who reside in a lovely terrarium that is a little higher than the tip of my nose if I were to balance precariously on my back legs.

Sadly, I learned a few weeks ago that my buddy Spots was doing poorly and the humans were hoping that her misery would end sooner rather than later. Apparently, she was becoming gray and breathing very heavily. But, I remain hopeful that Spots has not actually departed from this world and actually has been revived to some shade of her normal self and is living happily among the warm, green blades of grass that are starting to poke prematurely for the soil.

Last week - was it Friday - Spots' owners threw her out with the trash. Yep! "So long Spot!" they yelled as they tossed her on top of their breakfast remains and wished her a safe bon voyage to the lovely afterworld of lizards where all lizards must go once thier scales hasve diminished on this so-called place referred to as earth.

Can you believe the nerve of these humans? The audacity?

I quickly forgot my contempt for them yesterday when Smelly Feet gave me extra treats...I guess she was feeling a little guilty after all.

My New Favorite Song

Stolen from the Girl Scouts...and sung in horror of the puppy dog path o' poo that Crystal is headed down...


I know a weenie man
He owns a weenie stand
He sells most anything from hot dogs to ham
One day I'll join his life
I'll be his weenie wife
Hot dog! I love that weenie man

I married the weenie man
We moved to Weenie Land
We had to weenie kids who blew up the cat, POP!
They went to weenie jail
We paid a weenie bail
Hot dog! Those weenie kids are bad!
Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie....

And my human's contribution to the weenie song in honor of one cute weenie dog...

They bought a weenie dog
He was a weenie hog
He bit the weenie man right where it hurt. YAY!
Weenie dog ran away
Happiest that-a-way
Hot dog! That weenie dog is smart!