A Contemporary Canine Christmas List

If all I wanted for Christmas was my two front teeth, that wouldn't be very much fun. Instead I have comprised a list covering practically everything that my little doggie heart could be won over with. Please send all packages such that they are completely sniffable and easy to open as I must dispose of all evidence before my human makes it home at night.

1. Meat of the Month Club.

I live with a vegetarian. I never even get scraps, leftovers or the faint scent of animal flesh unless she permits me to visit elsewhere. When I was confined to the kennel over Thanksgiving, the other doggie's breath drove me completely wild with the strains of turkey and dressing and gravy. I suppose I will never be a truly spoiled dog until I convince my human to give in and indulge in carniverous behaviors. She is stubborn but I have her wrapped around my little paw so hopefully it won't take too long. But, on the odd chance that my plan backfires...the above would help fuel the fire that I am lacking in my life.

2. Canine Chauffer

I would prefer to be seen in a zoomy little Z3 but I'll settle for a meticulously kept Mini. My driver should come with an unlimited supply of papertowels and Windex to wipe my cute-as-a-button noseprints from the windows as I love to have clean windows to smudge the bejezus out of. I absolutely require someone who will be at my beck and call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year! I like the occassional midnight drive through the country, the rush hour run through the city and the long, lesiurely drives out to see my Real Owner. Oh, and stock the glove compartment and area underneath the seats with the best and bodacious doggie treats available. Oh, and the chauffer must be able to sing when I'm in the mood for a little music. And no one who smells like cats or comes to work sporting the hair of another dog. I'm a particular type of dog who gets jealous easily and I wouldn't want to show my badside and shame my name!

3. Opposable Thumbs

Does this really need much explanation? I need to be able to open the treat cabinet...whenever my tummy makes it rigorous demands for food.

4. Exposure to Small Children

No, I don't want to eat them or even lick them. Though, they tend to taste mighty good as they always manage to splash some variety food on various parts of themselves so maybe I do want to be able to lick them. Mostly thopugh, I want to be around them when they are carrying around food because little children are closer to the ground and closer within reach of my mouth. I just walk on by nonchalantly, snatch the snack from their unpretentious fists and keep on walking right along while I gobble.

5. Bird Call

You know, one of those things that you blow into and it makes a horribly birdy type of noise. I need that to scare my human. If I blow that just as she opens the treat cabinet, why I'll be living like a hog in a field of candy corn!

6. Peace on Earth and Good Will Towards Men

I'm not just about my stomach, you know. But peace with my tummy and good will of my human towards my tummy would be most appreciated.