A Contemporary Canine Christmas List

If all I wanted for Christmas was my two front teeth, that wouldn't be very much fun. Instead I have comprised a list covering practically everything that my little doggie heart could be won over with. Please send all packages such that they are completely sniffable and easy to open as I must dispose of all evidence before my human makes it home at night.

1. Meat of the Month Club.

I live with a vegetarian. I never even get scraps, leftovers or the faint scent of animal flesh unless she permits me to visit elsewhere. When I was confined to the kennel over Thanksgiving, the other doggie's breath drove me completely wild with the strains of turkey and dressing and gravy. I suppose I will never be a truly spoiled dog until I convince my human to give in and indulge in carniverous behaviors. She is stubborn but I have her wrapped around my little paw so hopefully it won't take too long. But, on the odd chance that my plan backfires...the above would help fuel the fire that I am lacking in my life.

2. Canine Chauffer

I would prefer to be seen in a zoomy little Z3 but I'll settle for a meticulously kept Mini. My driver should come with an unlimited supply of papertowels and Windex to wipe my cute-as-a-button noseprints from the windows as I love to have clean windows to smudge the bejezus out of. I absolutely require someone who will be at my beck and call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year! I like the occassional midnight drive through the country, the rush hour run through the city and the long, lesiurely drives out to see my Real Owner. Oh, and stock the glove compartment and area underneath the seats with the best and bodacious doggie treats available. Oh, and the chauffer must be able to sing when I'm in the mood for a little music. And no one who smells like cats or comes to work sporting the hair of another dog. I'm a particular type of dog who gets jealous easily and I wouldn't want to show my badside and shame my name!

3. Opposable Thumbs

Does this really need much explanation? I need to be able to open the treat cabinet...whenever my tummy makes it rigorous demands for food.

4. Exposure to Small Children

No, I don't want to eat them or even lick them. Though, they tend to taste mighty good as they always manage to splash some variety food on various parts of themselves so maybe I do want to be able to lick them. Mostly thopugh, I want to be around them when they are carrying around food because little children are closer to the ground and closer within reach of my mouth. I just walk on by nonchalantly, snatch the snack from their unpretentious fists and keep on walking right along while I gobble.

5. Bird Call

You know, one of those things that you blow into and it makes a horribly birdy type of noise. I need that to scare my human. If I blow that just as she opens the treat cabinet, why I'll be living like a hog in a field of candy corn!

6. Peace on Earth and Good Will Towards Men

I'm not just about my stomach, you know. But peace with my tummy and good will of my human towards my tummy would be most appreciated.

I Bit the Wine Bottle...and It Bit Back!

I really do wish that some ingenious poodle (they say those dogs are highly intelligent...though I find their curls a bit too perfect and disturbing for my own taste) would come out with a line of Delectable Doggie Drinks to make the schmooze and the peruse of the holiday season a little more festive. I mean, I'm all about my stainless steel dish filled with Brita-esque ice cold water...but a doggie likes a dash of flavor and color now and again. And what better time than the holiday season for a pooch to get a little pesky and demand some partaking in the holiday spirit all on his own?

So, since those poodles aren't using their noodles like they are trained to do...I tried to take matters into my own paws. My human just came home from some holiday frolick or the other and left her bag of good things on the floor as she cleaned off the dishes. I KNOW...she TORTURES ME...she comes home with a dish that held CRAP DIP and SHE DOESN'T GIVE ME ANY OR LET ME LICK OUT THE DISH!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I stuck my nose into that bag to see what else she had in there and I saw this lovely, glowing bottle of what could only be described as the wine that will take the whine out of my whine...so I tried to dislodge the screw cap. See, my human partakes in wine that is canine-friendly...well, actually she has a cork-removal deficiency...but I don't think I could open a cork anyways. I bit the top of the bottle...and low and behold, the doggone bottle BIT ME BACK!!!!!! I jumped about 7.5 inches high...and ran away with my lovely tail between my legs. EVIL EVIL AUSTRALIAN WINE!!!

So, this is my plea for a smart canine...no goldens or poodles...to come up with some doggie drinks that don't bite back, are canine-cap friendly and that will spread a little sparkle in my otherwise bland bowl of water.

Post-Kennel Confessions...

Can you believe that my human had the nerve to go on a whirlwind of a trip to another continent and had the nerve to leave my cute doggie behind under lock and key at my friendly vet's kennel? Don't worry, I have launched a full out assault on the carpet until I feel that she has completely paid for her lack of devotion and compassion as the fortunate posessor of one said Frankie dog. She went thousands and thousands of miles and didn't even bring me back a gouda-flavored bone...though, I've been sniffing all the yummy cheese that she did bring back and it has got my name written all over it. If I can just figure out how to open the door of the frig, I'll be sure to lick every bit of it so she won't have any choice but to give it to me.

I've learned from her stories that saliva sort of grosses her out. Something about her sister with the smelly feet licking all her Girl Scout cookies when she was little so no one would eat them. My human didn't touch them - but the other sister...the one who keeps hold of my REAL owner - she had no hesitation about eating prior-licked cookies. I don't think that I would have any hesitations either. But then again, I eat anything and never ask where it has been. And so far it has worked to my advantage. I hardly ever get sick and I owe all that to my stomach of steel. Each new find is a true testament to the fact that I am really supposed to just sit, sample and snack for the fortitude of my frolicking days.

Oh my, this typing makes me quite tired as I am out of the synch of my creative scheduling. You know what that means...time for a little snack and some reapplication of the ointment to my self-afflicted wound at the kennel. Yep, I scraped off the top of my nose again to make myself even more pathetic and heartbreaking when my human picked me up. For the record, it didn't work...and what a waste of an adorable nose!