Oh NO!

I seemed to have unleashed Clem's inner lizard what with my happening dog beat...though I didn't mean for it to be rap...but apparently the lizard ran with his tail...tripped and hit his head...because now he seems to think that he is the reptile's gift to the gangsta' rap world...and under three inches at that. Oh my. How am I going to inform Smelly of this fiasco?

Back to Business

I know...it's been horribly depressing for you out there who faithfully log in to read my saga of ongoing canine catastrophes and triumphs. I've been slacking...but I think that I can live with it...which means that you shall have too to.

So, since the big "O", I've been...WAIT...you humans and canines alike are dirty. I mean, I know that I can be a dirty dog but not THAT kind of dirty dog. The big "O" to which I am referring is my OPERATION...so get your mind out of the gutters this instant!!! This is a family-rated blog..not one for perverse minds to read subliminal messages in between the lines of prose that I so delicately type...oh, ok...well, maybe there is alot of subliminal stuff going on...but I'm not allowed to admit to it!

For safety's sake I guess I'll have to drop the reference to the big "O"...just so none of you don't get too excited. You know? I was just contemplating the mind in the gutter thing...and dogs...specially us shorter guys...really are the closest ones to being in the gutter. Now, mind you, I wouldn't want to actually stick my head down into one of those things because I have heard what swims around down there...rats and ducks and mongoose...and in Baltimore...I would be willing to bet that there are some Republicans and blue crabs down swimming in that nasty swill as well!

Whoops! This is becoming quite the controversial blog entry...and I didn't start it out with that intention...I was going to say how Smelly and the lizards sent me the most wonderful, heaven-scented treats...but instead look at where I am. Sex, politics, throw in some rock n'roll and I am practically my own drama on Lifetime.

Oh, but the rock n' roll bit...I was experimenting with that yesterday...I had the pleasure of spending my working day at Smelly's house...in her lovely expanse of a kitchen. Can I tell you that she has the most wonderous floor on which to tap dance? It is so accousitcally sound...that any accoustician would indeed be tickled by it. But I digress, so I was whapping my tail against the cabinets insisting to the lizards that it was time for a treat...when my tail accidentally went "phfwump!" against the floor. Oh, it was music to my ears! I started beating a little rhythm with my tail, added a little interlude with my front paws and warbled a delightful rendition of "Hound Dog" by the King himself!

That is when it hit me...the key to how I, a lone but cute canine, can make millions...I will become an international sensation...an overnight musical genius...and it will all start with the release of my very first album, "Frankie: Unleashed."

Now all of you out there just have to promise to buy it so it will go platinum overnight...do you think they would pay me in dog treats instead of that paper currency that you humans get all giddy over?

Critique of My Convalescing

I have been home now for...SIGH...four days and counting. And the number of days that I was taken pity on and treated like the poor, suffering soul that I am? Precisely, zero...nada...zilch...numero uno minus one...I mean, what does a dog have to do these days to get a little pity, a little cheese to go along with the whine...a few banjos to play in harmony with the violins? I suppose next time...I'll have to try to take more drastic measures to get some attention...or maybe I'll just figure out how to open up my treat cabinet.

So, I am coming along quite nicely if I do say so myself. I had a very busy weekend indeed. My first day home, Friday, left me all alone to sleep and get used to hobbling around...I was really dragging my leg in the morning but by the end of the day I was doing much better. My human even let me chase my ball around for a little bit and I moved a little faster when a treat was promised at the end of the trek. The human cousin Nicole came to visit as well and I made an extra special effort to move super fast so that she would be impressed...I wasn't so impressed with the nickname that she dubbed me with..."Franken-puppy"...as she claimed the staples in my back gave me that Frankenstein-esque appearance. I guess the likes of those humans will just never understand the complexities of the canine world...and I had such high hopes again for Nicole! I must also express my true sadness that she did not bring Roxy along...my Jack Russell Terrier cousin who I do so love to play with..but at least she brought me delish treats...even if they are void of ALL animal byproducts!

Saturday proved to be more excitement than I could stand...the human's let me ride in the car but I am forced to do so behind bars. Something about me being "expensive" and "fragile"...which I only see as a big bit of a baloney sandwich excuse...ohhh...I am hearing a little rumble in my tumble...I do so wish that somedays my human would just break that tiresome vegetarian habit of hers and keep some raw meat in the refrigerator for when I need it most...instead, I'll just have to settle for some Armenian string cheese...which is sort of fun to eat.

Oh...there I go again...digressing from my intentioned point of expressing my dissatisfaction with having to ride behind bars. How depressing is it for a dog that loves to feel the roar of the wind in his ears and loves to hide from the roar of the mac truck to be banished to a plastic box that is sticky and icky and just miserable? Not only was I not able to observe where we were the whole entire ride in the car...but I had no means to even figure out what road we were on!!

The whole matter makes me rather ripe with agony...I think I am going to call it quits for now...I had quite the exhausting and busy weekend and I have plenty more to write about...but you'll just have to wait to find out about the rest!

But a quick update on my condition...I can fully support my weight now on my back legs, I walk a little bit crookedly but am hardly dragging my foot at all...and I did not want to walk outside in the rain this morning. All in all, I heard my human say that I have completely returned to my normal behaviors!

Housekeeping...Clean Sweep Catch Up

Since I was a little out of the know how for a few days...I did not have a chance to respond to my WONDERFUL adorers who actually left me comments.

A word on the comments...they are there to make ME feel special...to assure ME that you humans and fellow canines are getting your daily doses of the Frankie dog...I love to have my ego stroked...as well as my belly..so please, leave comments...often, always, and with a coupon for a free treat!

Anyways, down to business...my cousin Spots left me a letter concerning his constant starvation as well. Just to clarify, Spots owns my human's smelly sister...

Spot wrote:Dear Frankie,

I know exactly how you feel. It isn't just you, or your breed, or your species! As a brown anole, I can't tell you the trouble we lizards have in finding food. And I have it lucky living in a big climate controled tank. But still, my humans almost never feed me. They say I look fat, but it isn't my fault that I kept my pregnancy weight. Heck, the other night I even had to escape my tank and go rumaging through their kitchen for my dinner! I spent all night looking for where they had hidden all those juicy crickets, and just when I'd found them, "shriek! Spots got out!!" Next thing I know they're trying to cram me into some tupperware or juggling me from hand to hand! And after all that, my sisters ate all the crickets they DID give us and left me nothing but worms. WORMS I tell you! What's the sport in hunting worms. If I wasn't so old ... Well, anyhow, keep a stiff upper lip Frankie. Maybe your real owner will visit you again soon and spill a hot dog in your direction.

Sincerely,
Spots

Hey Spots, I think this hunger thing that we have in common can be linked to one of two things. The first one, though not the one that I believe in, is that since we are first cousins...it might be genetic! Somewhere along the line, we didn't the satiated gene or something...whoa...big word back there...probably longer than even you are little slimy buddy! The second reason...and by far the bite over the bark...is that since our humans are related...they are responsible for starving us...and it is a plot against the animal kingdom to starve us into waif-like animals so they can use us and exploit us and tell us that the only way for a successful life as a model is to be super thin...oh wait, I am getting sidetracked...I have been watching E network...and you know how that messes with the brain. We aren't supermodels...even though I do think I am quite the super canine...and right now I could really use a cute little cape...it would do wonders to hide my bare, bare back!

But again, I digress...Spots...we must create a united front...I'll distract your human the next time I am at your house, knock the cricket jar over with my tail, and then you can go hog wild. The only other piece to that puzzle is figuring out how to get you out of the terarium...maybe you can dig deep into the rocks again and poop alot so they think that it is mold again and will have to take you out so they can clean it?

COMMENT #2: I had another comment when my human made mention of my neurologist...and how I am neck and neck with my human's cousin Natalie for having a full menu of health professionals. And Natalie's sister seems to think that it is all that Natalie and I have in common? How dare that human overlook the fact that we are both adorable, both have a love for pastries (natalie to create, me to eat), both have knock-me-down-come-hither brown eyes, and the other thing...my cousin Ira, the canine who owns Natalie...well, WE both love the morsels in our food dish...and Ira is a walking advertisement for a well nourished dog! So how could you limit the comparisons to a mere list of doctors...

But even though I knock down and drag out Natalie's sister for her overlooking all the other similarities...I will give the girl credit for her exquisite taste in dog treats...it's as if she samples them herself. I am going to go wake her up now in hopes she'll toss me a couple more.

Sweet Smells of My SuCasa!

Ahhh!!! The longawaited return to home has finally come! I am currently being a little stubborn about walking too much...I am not too much the fan when my owner picks my buttocks up and wiggles them in attempt to launch me...but I do take a few courageous steps when I hear the sweet twinkling of treats hitting my bowl.

I think the human is going back to work now so hopefully I can get a little snoozing in while she is gone...peace...my own kind of quiet,,,oh, I feel so much better...just had a little trip outside in the grass. I think my human is getting a little annoyed with me since I am dragging my butt a little...But it takes sooooooo much energy to lift up those hindquarters. I promise I'll try hard again later!!!

Sniff Sniff for now...

Down But Not Defeated

I apologize profusely for those of you who had to read the putrid prose that my human posted yesterday in my abscene....YAWN!!!!!! is about all I can say for that boring attempt at a summation of the day's experiences for this canine. All things being human, I guess I must give her a little iota of credit for trying and for caring enough to keep all my adoring fans...yes, YOU...posted on my whereabouts.

I write this from the caged confines of my neurologists office...the other dogs are snoring...and the lhapsa ahpsa next to me is farting right along with her snores. Somehow, I managed to snag the doc's labtop so that I could get a little writing in...I may be drugged, bald, stapled and temporarily out of the race...but my, oh my...the brain in this dog just never stops going!

I am quite sleepy so I am going to make this short...I just wanted to assure everyone that I will continue to keep you posted on my adventures or misadventures as they sometimes turn out.

Oh...and really...this is a plea for anybody and anyone to send me lots of treats...I'll take any kind of meat, bean, vegetable, tofu or holistic treat that is out there. ANYTHING!!! Can you believe that my human came to visit me today and she had the audacity not to bring me one single little treat?!?!?! She didn't even offer me the lick of the lone gum wrappers wadded up at the bottom of her purse...and she wondered why I wouldn't give her any licks. I give her a tail wag...and in return...NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yay...I get to bust out of this prison...I mean lovely animal hospital...tomorrow and make my way back home to my humble abode where I will squeak all my toys and lick all my bones.

This dog is going to go sleep tight, right without putting up a fight. Good night and no fleas to you all out there.

Another Day...Many, Many Dollars...

Dearest Frankie Dog Fans -

I regret to inform you that Frankie will be away from his computer for a few days. In the meantime, he has granted me, his "human", to give occassional updates on his current condition.

Alas, last night I came home to a Frankie that was not quite so springy from his latest bit of mischief...to which I am still not privy to the details. Anyways, he insisted on an early morning visit to the vet...as he loves to be the first dog there just as they are cleaning the floors so that he will be the VERY first scent in the waiting room for all the other dogs who have to pay homage throughout the day.

After being treated quite tenderly and being diagnosed as having not so good response to some tests, Frankie added a specialist to his list of health care professionals. Yes, that is right, Frankie now has his very own neurologist.

The brave bit of dog bit the bullet and went under the knife to have surgery to correct his herniated disc (for those of you out there who understand, it was between the 12th and 13th disc)...he should be home on Friday and will be a little bare on his backside for awhile but is expected to make a complete recovery.

Sincerely Yours,

Frankie's Human.

Foraging for Food

Why...someone of you ask...do I always feel that I am hungry? Why...some of you might not ask...am I always whining and begging for one more treat? How...you definitely wish you knew...do I know how to tell time by the sound of the food hitting the bottom of my bowl?

Well, I have spent many a night researching this hunger mystery...and it seems to me that I can definitely say that it isn't my fault, it isn't breed specific, and there is no common cure for it. So, those of you who are of the opinion that my human starves me...well, I agree wholeheartedly...but my research is not backing that up. Maybe I need to rewrite the research to more effectively support my case....hmmm...I figured out how to type without deft movement of my toes...holding an eraser shouldn't pose too much of a challenge.

I am continually foraging for food because I am attempting to bone up on my survival skills. If my human ever had the audacity to set me free in the wilds of suburbia, I would be able to survive as long as the weather was warm, the water plentiful, and the grease from grills ever flowing...I sharpen my mind and my nosebuds every afternoon on my walk when I track the latest treats that have been tossed out for the birds...but why should birds be the only ones that enjoy the moldy treats of stale bread? Its not like the carbs are going to benefit their beady brains or make them see better...and oh, the carbs definitely put an extra swiggle in my hips...and an extra tub of flub round my belly...so clearly they are more benficial to me!

As the schnausers would say..."what's the point of being a schnauser if you can't have any struedel?"...now, I don't know if schnausers are German...but if I had such a horrible name as schanauser...I would require some struedel to make me feel better. And because I have been separated from my homeland, it seems only right that I can indulge in whatever I can find...trust me...if I had an unlimited supply of knockwurst and sauerkrat...I would probably never be sniffing the sides of the dumpster or licking up remnants pizza sauce from the cardboard boxes....but since I am forced to reside in suburbia in a country with no known culturally acclaimed food...I will continue to forage.

Composting of Complaints

dearest diary....today i encountered many people who had commentary that they are not willing to log in as comments at the end of my entries. first, i had my human's smelly sister telling me that describing my humble abode and my cushy surroundings would be as boring as toilet paper swirling down the crapper...hmmm...if a dog made toilet paper swirl down the crapper, now that wouldn't be so boring. i mean, i can definitely get the toilet paper off the roll...i haven't done that for awhile. Note To Self: Unroll toilet paper tonight when I get hungry. ok, ok...then i have the human's other sister telling me that her daughter (aka my real owner) doesn't "let" me take food from her, that i steal it right out of the innocent hands of the three year old when she isn't looking. the nerve! i would never, i mean never, steal from an innocent creature such as my owner unless what she was holding tickled my nose into convulsions...and well face it, everything she eats is chocolate to my tongue...and since i can't eat real chocolate, i have to take what i can get! so, i guess the second human sister may have a valid point...but i won't bow my humble head and admit to it. and then...yes, more complaints, opinions, etc...it appears that some people feel that i am not following the laws of a true blog...that it is not journal-like enough...hence the implementation of "dear diary." since KT is one of my favorites to visit, i will abide by her wishes and try to make the experience for her more journalesque...but only because i am permitted to get close and friendly with her Penny...the beautiful blonde italian greyhound.

Forevermore till the next writing spell entrances me - frankie dog

Slightly Saddened by Some Sniffing...

I wanted to share a short, but very sobby, story with you. I was quite saddened by some sniffing last night. Quite saddened...saddened to the point where I could only bring myself to lick my bowl out only once after I finished devouring my dinner.

The human came home last night...much later than I usually allow her since she hadn't prepared my dinner before she departed...and I sniffed her shoes and hands as usual. And she smelled...like my owner...my REAL owner...the little human who lets me kiss her and steal her food as long as I let her drag me around on my leash occassionally. How did my human dare go and see her without taking me along? I am so moved by the sadness that I have written a little ditty to express myself fully:

SAD FROM A SNIFF

It took one sniff
One little whiff

Made me sad
My tummy was had

I missed my girl
With the curls

I got no treats
From the little sweet

I am a sad, sad hound
And I am owner-bound.

Don't look for me
Or track my pee.

Running With The Balls

This past weekend was indeed one that is noteworthy...not only was it so hot and humid that I can finally declare that the dog days of summer are upon us...WAIT...I must digress on the previous statement...

Dog Days of Summer...the crappiest, hottest, most unstandable days of summer are associated with the canine world? I just don't understand. We are loveable, trustworthy, brilliant creatures...ok, maybe we like to roll around in the dirt and eat bugs and grass occassionally...but that can be done almost anytime of the year. I mean, one moment out in that hot weather and I feel like I could hop right into a cool, refreshing pool...and I never get my tootsies wet unless I am forced to! So maybe the human take on these dog days is that it makes you resort to doing things that you wouldn't necessarily do to stay cool...and the humans had to observe the dogs doing these things before they were able to figure it out for themselves!!! Now it all makes sense...those lowlifes were too dumb to figure out how to stay cool...the invention of the pool only came along after they saw us canines frolicking in a cool stream on a hot day...and a/c only got figured out after they saw us venting hot air from our body via panting. Oh my, the canine world alone is purely responsible for teaching humans how to adapt to the ever chaning ecosystem! Oh my, I must go and contact Animal Planet and tell them of my unbelievable discovery....they have dogs running that corporation, right?

Ok, back to the balls...so this weekend....I was given back my balls...BOTH OF THEM!...sadly no, not the ones I lost on the chopping block...I said I got my balls back, not my manhood...on Saturday I was beside myself with happiness when I got back both my basketball and my bright ornage indestructi-ball! Oh, I have spent countless hours crying and barking whenever I happened to catch a glimpse...I guess the human finally took pity on me and gave them back in an attempt to make me happy! I got so caught up in my celebration that I started shredding my bed...it was quite the party...wish you could have been there...I was ripping up the stuffing and fleece and catipulting above my back....a one-dog party, of course I had to be responsible for throwing my own confetti.

But the human wasn't so pleased when she found the remnants of my celebration....she took my indestructi-ball AWAY!!! She lugged in the roaring cleaner on wheels and sucked up the last shreds of my delightment...and told me to go lay down when I barked in protest....but as luck would have it, a piece killed the cleaner and made it smoke...and run no more it could! Hahaha! Who has the last word after all!

Transgression on My Travels...

Heard there was some yelping 'bout the fact that I have been resting my weary eyes since the pilgrimage to NH...well, for all you yelpers out there...may this be the treat that you have been smelling since dawn that is hidden just beneath the refrigerator but is right beyond the end of your nose...

To sum it up....it started without a bang. Those humans...mine accompanied by her sister...finally bothered to show after I had been waiting and waiting SOOOOO impatiently by the door for hours on end...they hurried me through a walk...I was too rushed to even get a good poop in!...and we hopped in the car and were in Delaware before I could figure out how to bark "Supercalifragilidiexpalidocious"...and that is where the torture of everything canine began.

Dinner was broken out of the cooler and my snout was tickled by the delectable scent of Baja Fresh burritos...is there anything that smells as spicy and as beany as such a buritto...with the exception of the human sister's farts...and can you believe that they were under the impression that they did not have to share with moi? Oh yes, I bet you thought you were dealing with a run-of-the-mill dachshund...not only do I know key phrases in French...but also in my native German, a smidgen of Chinese, a little turkey (the bird, not the country), and I am very well versed in badger...but oh, I digress...back to the buritto. So, to show them that there selfishness was not appreciated...I did what any self-respecting starving animal would do. I resorted to my lunging technique.

And let me tell you, when the big guy in the sky was handing out skills to breeds....he handed the lunge tactics right to the dachsies...bet you didn't know that we have the strongest bite pound per pound right next to pit bulls, did ya?

Burrito...must focus on the bur....I am simply starving. Hold on - let me go see what I can scrounge from the corners of the linen closet where my old food is kept...I can't write or hardly even think...on an empty stomach!

All I found were a few dust bunnies hiding back against the baseboards...but they were quite tasty...so I guess I will just have to type along to the rhythm of my stomach crying....

So I made several attempts to lunge for Smelly's burrito...can you believe she had the audacity to hold it right out of reach the ENTIRE time that she was eating it? My human took a little pity on me....she gave me a pinto bean (good fart fuel) every now and again and let me eat the last bit of burrito from her wrapper.....ahh, the savory wonder of beans and cheese and sour cream and tomatos so delicately wrapped in a tortilla...a little fine wine and I would have been back home in the dirt piles of Tijuana...oh wait, I'm not a chihuahua...

We arrived in New York only to get stuck on the BQE for OVER AN HOUR! I had to smell the stink of NYC after holding my breath through the likes of New Jersey...I could barely stand it. I tried breathing through my mouth but the humans mistook that for me being hot and thirsty and tried to blow cool air on me...

And let me tell you, the BQE may sound glamorous...but there was no glamour about that road...crappy old trucks and rusted out Lincolns cutting you off...if I had been driving, I would have chosen the route through Manhattan and the tunnels...at least that way a little profanity and rear-end doggie gestures could have been implemented into the ride without any worries...

We all arrived for a night in Queens...stayed with my cousin Roxy who was absent from her own humble abode...her human mumbled something about her taking a visit to the green hills of NH where she could bond with her mother, brother and aunt...

Roxy, if you are reading this, you can keep that mother of yours...I know I am irresistable but I can't take the humping...but know that I missed you terribly but I did quite enjoy all the dog food that you left behind! And could you talk to your human about the location of the treats? I quite preferred them on the bottom shelf as opposed to throwing them all on top of the refrigerator...like you had in Upper West...I could smell them so much easier back in those days!

Roxy's human took me to the park where she promised grass...what she failed to mention was that I wasn't allowed to walk on the grass...oh, these humans and their IQ's...I personally thought she was the smartest of the bunch (yes, kissing up because she gives me SOOOOO many yummy treats when my human isn't looking) and here she knows I love a good pile of green leaves to relieve myself on and I had to settle for a weed...probably the only weed in a 30 block radius! Well, Queens won't forget me anytime soon...I left a little pile of my burrito tastings behind...all the humans had forgotten a bag...but I pooped when no one was looking so there weren't any fines handed out...for them having no grass, Queen sure charges alot for a dog taking a dump!

The rest of the evening in Queens was uneventful...I really must be off for my afternoon nap...I'll fill you in on the muffin mishap and my reunion with the love of my life a little later...

Whiling Away The Wait...

Let me tell you, those humans...now, they completely underestimate the likes of us dogs. My human thinks she is "preparing" me before a big trip by packing my bags and leaving them inside so I "know" that I won't be left behind.

Well, let me tell all you humans out there...it is PURE TORTURE. The waiting, the stressing, the worrying...it really messes with my emotions and my stomach...all I want to do is eat and eat and eat to pass the time away...oh wait, that is no different from any other day...

Complaining...take two....The HORROR of making me wait for hours on end to take a measly car ride with another human's feet occupying the floor of my favorite seat to sleep under...I can't even fall asleep...every little peep from the birds or creak from the AC cycling on and off rockets me off my pillow to the door in anticipation that it is NOW time to go! It might help if someone told me how to read time...or knocked my toy bin over so that I had something to destroy. I have already done everything that I can think of to pass the time...I licked my bowl six times over, I sniffed all my favorite places on the carpet, I scrounged for food underneath the refrigerator, I tried to strengthen my ESP skills by concentrating on the container of cookies on the table...but those refused to budge. I licked out the cooler...even though it had that icky Lysol taste...and I barked just to hear myself.

What, oh WHAT am I to do till it is time to go???????????

Wrestlin' With The Watermelon Rind...

It was another hot day in July...when the watermelon crossed the path of my sniffer. I sat there and watched as my human slurped the sweet juice and tender flesh from the melon...I was concentrating so hard that I was drooling right onto my paws...but a little drool wasn't going to break my concentration!

The moment she lowered it within twelve inches of my nose...I locked my jaw onto that rind. Oh boy, was that human a little perturbed. She did everything she could think of...shouting commands like "release" and "let go already"...like I listen to those sorts of things! Then she resorted to blowing in my ears, tickling my throat and touching my feet. It killed my but I just crunched down a little harder...I wasn't letting that garbage-bound treat go that easily!

I finally made it away from her view...skulked into my invisiblity corner...oh, and how I munched! The rind...it was crunchy and slick with watermelon juice...and oh how green it tasted! Just as I was savoring another crisp mouthful of the tantalizing treat, I was blasted from behind with a jet stream of frigid water. Shocked and letting all rational thought fly with my farts, I temporarily let go of the rind...where it found its way into the hands of the human...and then crossed the threshold of the trashcan.

Oh, woe is me...another treat unappreciated...another treat trashed! It is my mission as Frankie the Dog to see that no remnant, no scrap shall go uneaten...no matter how rotten or bug-riden! And I was defeated...