Bone-dacious Book Club

My human must be feeling quite guilty these days...last night she permitted me to accompany her to her Book Club meeting...she insisted that I was only going as part of her costume.  Yes, the book club girls broke out in their best goth...let me tell you, it was downright scary.  I was pretty primitive about the whole thing...I hid my witch's hat so my human would not torment me by wearing that...but she did finally break out a new collar for me to wear...the ladybug collar was SO last spring.  I am quite thankful to have my "Bad to the Bone" collar on once again.  Not only does it glow-in-the-dark, but it also makes me feel more...like I was never nuetered.

 

My human was dressed...I'm not sure I would call it "to impress"...I didn't like the fishnights tights she had on, my nails kept on getting tangled in them when I crawled up onto her lap for some snuggling...and the skirt was a little slippery...and the dark makeup, well, she has certainly seen better days.  But what I really hated was that horrible, awful, weasly looking wig that she put on.  I mean with that thing balled up in a corner I would not hesitate to mistake it for a hairball coughed up by a rather large black cat.  And with Halloween so close, I am certain there are many of those who are going to make it their business to cross my path!

 

And the host...she was downright scary!!  She was ALL shiny and slippery and then she came after me with those black claws and metal spikes protruding from various parts of her body.  What were these girls thinking?  I certainly hope they weren't thinking it made them MORE attractive...if anything, it is one guaranteed way to chase people away.  Which is completely why I started barking uncontrollably to let them know of my outright disapproval of their costumes.  After all, not only am I a dog with a blog, an album on the undiscovered edge, but I am also a human fashion critic.  I get to see plenty on my multitude of walks, car rides and visits to the pet store - so please do not think that I critique from a limited viewpoint.

 

Ok, so I had better discuss the rest of the humans who were present...please note that I included the host close to the top because otherwise she would be seriously offended if I buried her in my descriptions of the rest of the readers. 

 

The best suprise of the evening was that of my hman's sister...the one with the smelly feet.  She looked and smelled absolutely divine...and she DID NOT participate in the hideous costume contest.  I always knew that she liked me the best as she gave me the MOST attention last night...no one else got to sit on her lap or lick her face and catch up on missed time.  I had completely forgotten that she had not seen me with all my hair grown back in.  I looked quite fetching and I made sure to flex my back so she could see the great work of my neurologist.  My human always says something about her being a sort of party pooper...I mean I know that girl can poop, her farts are sometimes fouler than my own...but really, she was the best one at that party last night.

 

Ok, then there were the two who were completely dressed in black...there was the human with the dark hair who had it all tied up.  She smelled like some dogs that my owner has come home smelling like.  I at least felt a little at ease since I now know where those two particular doggie smells were coming from.  I made sure to rub myself all over her legs so that her dogs would be insanely jealous.  I also heard her talking about how one of her puppies is not feeling too well these days...I hope that one gets better soon.  A sick dog is one that can't eat treats...and all dogs should never feel like that!  Ok, so the other one in black had really long blonde hair...and she had her eyes done up the worst of them all.  The dark makeup not only circled her eyes like the rest of them but it extended past her eyelids!!  I had a hard time looking at her for long periods of time...though that did not completely discourage me from attempting to maneuver some of her dinner off her plate and into my mouth!

 

And I think that just about covers everyone...oh, except for the one who gave me the really good belly rub...regardless of the fact that she was wearing spikes and chains and had her eyes all smudged up with different colors.  She was the one who voted for herself when it came time to pick the best get-up...or at least that is what my human said.

 

So, these humans sat around and discussed some dead guy and his writing.  Not sure what the draw in that is...if they were attempting to be inciteful and intelligent...well, I won't tell you what road they weren't headed down.  I think the real reason they do these things is because each of them brought something absolutely delicious to eat.  I only know that things smelled good...aside from what my human brought...even from my lowly position on the floor.

 

The best part of my night happened in the car ride back home.  My human stupidly put me in the backseat with the remnants of her bread pudding.  Well, she thought she was quite clever and positioned it just so I couldn't reach it...imagine her horror when I outsmarted her and dived head first into the container!  It was heaven...pure carbohydrate heaven!  But gosh darn that aluminum foil makes a racket like you wouldn't believe so she was onto me from the start.  She pulled her car off the road...climbed out...and TOOK THE PUDDING AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And then she did the absolute worst thing that a human has ever done to the ego of a dog...she told me I was "BAD."  Well, she had it coming...after all, she insisted that I wear the "Bad to the Bone" collar.  I was simply attempting to live up to her expectations...and she had the nerve to call me "BAD!!!"  Don't worry...I have paid her back already...she can expect a nice present when she returns home from work.

 

 

 

 

 

Explanation of Canine Complexities...

My human recently clued me into the fact that a select number of my adoring fans...two to be exact...have been attempting to analyze my words and my stories. Please...stop yourself...before you get upset...and let me explain my canine complexities and insightfulness.

Most days, my insights are as deep as a puddle...of my own pee. So, some days they are much deeper than other days...it depends purely on how much I drain from my water bowl or how many salty bones I have been chewing on. Please remember that I ate nonstop on my road trip...I did not drink non-stop...so my insights were not all that deep.

Secondly, you must never ever attempt to analyze a canine. I'm not saying that we are like the female variety of the human species...we are not that moody or unpredictable or downright wound. But, we canines do like to do things our way without any explanation. Some days I feel like sniffing rocks, somedays I feel like chasing school buses and somedays I feel like licking my paws....but I don't like to do all of those things all of the time. So, if you think you are reading a deeper meaning in something posted on my blog...well, chances are you are wrong.

Approach this blog and my spiffy spouts with a clear and open mind...a mind void of thought...and a belly full of food. It is about enjoying and being completely captivated with your favorite canine...that would be ME in case you lost sight of the reason for this!

Ok, must go rest my legs...my human has started me on a new schedule of taking long walks in the morning. I love it...fresh smells, everything covered with dew and not doo...and plenty of kids to bite at their ankles!

Road Trippin' Relived

Finally, I have awoken from my self-induced food coma...I am sort of sad in that regards as I think I can chalk it up to being one of the best experiences of my life...if I overlook the part about being umm...slightly...uncomfortable! Oh, wait...many of my adoring fans were not present for my great dramatic exit into the land of the full...so maybe I should explain? I really have an entire trip to write about...two if you count my visit to the charming burrough of Queens two weeks ago...but I think I must start with my favorite part...

Picture it...one doggone cute starving hot dog trapped in a car with three humans - only one of them belonging to me...and they sit there for hours talking and jabbering about this grocery store they are stopping in that is filled with delacacies and tasty sample treats...and do they even think about me? I would be voting if they stopped shoving me under the front seat for stopping at a pet store in Connecticut...they just MIGHT have a dog treat that I haven't tried...but again, I ask, I relent,...DID THEY ASK ME?

So, we eventually get to the exit...we are almost out of Connecticut at this point and I have been trapped in the car for four hours without any bathroom sniffs since New Hampshire so I have only the clean, damp lake air filling my nostrils. My human thought it would be "nice" to take me for a little walk before the gaggle of humans made their way into the grocery store. Oh yeah...nice...more like completely torturous!!! I have to be walked way over on the edge of the parking lot far far away from the front of the grocery store...not even near any trash cans that might house some of the tender morsels from Stew's. It was like my human was embarassed to be seen with me...me so slim and trim and absolutely starving. I kept on straining to make my way to the front of the store but for once she wasn't letting me walk her...and yes, that situation has been since corrected and my human understands that I am always to be in control...so I refused to relieve myself instead and she took me back to the car, locked the doors, rolled down the windows (maybe in that order...she is human and NOT a rocket scientist)...and the three of them trolloped off in the direction of what could only be defined as doggie HEAVEN!

Harumph!!! I was sick with the thought of being trapped alone in a car while all those wonderful scents wafted in through the slightly cracked windows. The sleepy human...you know, the one with the long hair who thought that I could only understand my name if she repeated it over and over and over in a fast paced tone...had cleaned all the paper out of the car that I had hoped to lick and chew and bite at one more time before it was really ready to be declared trash. So, I scrounged around for another few minutes hoping the other human...the one who was prone to make me kiss the backseat human....had left her tasty chocolate covered almonds....I would have pretended for their sake that they were covered in that fake chocolcate stuff...the name escapes me at the moment. But I found nothing. I was sitting on the front seat sulking attempting to think up a plan to amuse myself...there was a stuffed duck that I could chew...the backseat human called it something like "Very Scary"...I would say that "Helly Smelly" would be more accurate...or I could pull all the yarn out of a blanket that was being made for Katie...or I could chew at the cap of the water bottles that had been left in the car.

For some reason, the yarn idea seemed the most appealing...I hopped into the backseat and started rummaging among the knitting needles when I realized where the wonderful scent was REALLY wafting from. Wouldn't you know that my human had overlooked the very thing that would bring me complete bliss in this world.

That is right folks...my bag of dog food...and not the old cheap stuff that she used to feed me...the stuff that was worth more than me per pound...was sitting right there in front of my cute doggie nose...I drooled for a moment or two before I gathered my wits and attempted to figure out how to disengage the clip from the bag. My human really did serve to help me out on that one...being an engineer, she had left some books laying around that I had perused through once or twice to help me out on opening things as quietly as possible...there was no need to be quiet this time, but speed would be of the essence.

I chewed a little bit below the clip, I chewed a little bit above the clip, and it was when I chewed a little bit on the clip that the thing snapped open and I was SOOOOOOOO happy! I charged into that bag like a bull...like a bull...like a bull charging an unsuspecting onlooker...hard and fast and with my eyes closed shut! My jaw plowed into that food and I just started gulping as fast as I could...about 10 times faster than I normally eat my food...I did not want to waste any time because those humans could come back at any moment and I didn't want them to suspect anything!

I must have eaten for a good 45 minutes...I mean I ate till I felt like I was going to burst and I ate till I felt like I was full...that is the first time that I have ever reached that state of oblivion...I don't know if humans have an equal feeling to it or not. But goshdarn, I wish that I had not waited so long to experience it...my human was finally getting soft...I hoped this little overlook would not damper my possibilities of it happening again soon. I think I was just beginning to experience what humans like to refer to as "food hallucinagens"...I was seeing bunnies broiled and baked with carmelized carrots dance before my eyes...I even tried to chase one of them...and ended up at the floor of the driver's seat.

It was when I tried to chase the chocolate cow with the ice cream entourage that I realized I was stuck...I mean I was SO FULL that I couldn't even drag my belly up onto the seat to get back to my bag of food...I had left he bag back there unfinished and opened. Those humans were definitely going to figure it out!!!

This is making me so very hungry...I'm gonna have to finish the telling of this tale later...gotta give my adoring fans something to wonder about at the very least!

Cut The Crap

Yes, I know that my adoring fans are sitting on the edge of their seats awaiting my commentary on my latest travels...but I must address something much more pressing first.

People...not my adoring fans...are finding it necessary to post CRAP comments to my blog. Let me say this one time and one time only...the only kind of crap that will be dealt with on this blog is my own...and I don't mean my problems...I mean my doggie crap that I expel during my daily walks or occassionally on the carpet when I am feeling the need to retaliate against my human.

I don't need a random posting about some website that I can't live without...unless it is for an unlimited supply of puppy treats or links to my favorite doggie websites. So PLEASE...you filth out there who can't advertise in an effective way...kindly remove your foot from my tail before I go yelping to places where you don't want to be heard!!!

SIGH....much better now that I have cleared the air...